05.01.13
Gome of the Week
Sounds about right.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
LIL SLY RECORDS - No idea.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Not of This Earth (1988)
Can't believe I'd never seen this. Feel like I used to walk by it in every single video store I ever went to. I'd like to think I just never got that lonely, but we all know that would be a flat-out lie.
Anywho, I always assumed Lords was an alien in this, because of the way they phrase the title. Turns out it's actually the dude with the shades down there who is on the intergalactic tip.
This movie was directed by Jim Wynorski, who was also at the helm of 976-EVIL II (Week 468), Demolition High (Week 80), and Deathstalker II (Week 441), so we're not unfamiliar with the dude's work. And I'm not afraid to admit it: the man is good at what he does.
This is B-movie madness at its finest, with non-stop camp, frequent toplessness, and Roger Lodge playing a police officer. You could already tell that his future was to be filled with success beyond his wildest dreams.
Lords plays a nurse - a sexy nurse! - who, through a series of completely plausible events, becomes a live-in blood transfuser for an alien man whose space-blood is evaporating at a rapid rate. The alien guy looks human, lives in a huge mansion, and employs a choadbag as his butler, who instantly makes it his plan to finger-blast Lords and she's not into it. Classic will-they-won't-they.
Meanwhile, alien guy is bloodthirsty, so he starts murdering hookers - sexy hookers! - and vacuum salesmen, sucking the blood out of 'em, and burning their husks in a basement furnace. He also does this to a birthday-gram girl who shows up at his house on accident so she can take her top off and lose any and all vital fluids.
Lords and her flat-foot boyfriend (Lodge, who looks darling in his little cop outfit) eventually get the vibe that something ain't right, and they set out to save the universe in an explosive climax that I won't spoil for you because I think I sort of stopped paying attention at the end.
Here's the trailer. It's out of this world!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Triumvirat - Spartacus (1975)
This is major-label all the way, but I'm a little rusty on my mid-70's German prog, so you'll have to forgive me for not knowing who this band is.
I thought the cover was cool so I picked it up at some point in the last year or five.
I'm not a big prog-rock guy, and this record didn't do much to change that. But I do enjoy their enthusiasm, and they break some of their songs up into movements, so you know they're the real deal.
Here's the title track, if you're ready to take that journey.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
My Michael Baydar's going off - A sweet thing to say when you see a preview for a big-budget movie that will no doubt chug wang.
Origin - Biff, in a rare moment of clarity.
Usage - "Dude, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be first in line for White House Down."
"Dude, that movie looks like a real wang chugger."
"Dude, did you see all the sweet explody stuff?"
"Dude, it had my Michael Baydar going off. Full blast, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways You Can Help:
10. Get on the phone and call everyone you know, even the people who, by law, you are not allowed to contact
09. Well, getting off your fucking jet-ski would be a good start
08. Pass me that screwdriver. No, the Phillips. God, you're a terrible passer
07. Just lay on the tarp and let this happen
06. Pull out that Diner's Club card you're always talking about and let's party
05. Well, you could stop acting like you know me and know what I've been through, because you don't know me and you don't know what I've been through
04. Just wash the dildo before you return it, that's all I ask
03. Do you have a dialysis machine? Because I could really use a dialysis machine over here right about now
02. Stop using sentences with the word "Reddit" in them
01. Please, for the love of all that is kind and decent, tuck your ballsack back into your jorts
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