03.28.12

Gome of the Week
Goofy shit like this is the pictorial equivalent of an ill-advised musical mash-up. On one hand, I'm impressed that you took the time to make it work, on the other, I can't imagine anyone enjoying it.

And for the record, I think all mash-ups are ill-advised. I'm a purist!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Lively Morgue - Rediscovered photos of old NY. Cool shit.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Deathstalker II (1987)

You didn't think I was going to stop at the first Deathstalker, did you? Actually, I probably would have, but I bought this movie at the same time that I picked up the first one, so I figured I might as well knock 'em both out. And there's actually two more after this one. Who knows? I might surprise you next week.

Anyway, I'm glad I didn't stop at the first one, because the sequel was way better than the original. It brought back none of the original cast, contained almost as much nudity, decided to jump hip-deep into the action-comedy genre, and reused footage from the original. Plus, the box has the running time listed at a respectable 85 minutes, but this thing clocked in at a lean 75, including the full credits, half of which were padded with fictional names of characters from other movies.

On top of that, one of the major scenes in the movie involves Deathstalker in a wrestling match (like squared circle, in-the-ring style) against an Amazonian woman named Gorgo, played by the legendary Dee Booher of G.L.O.W. and Roller Derby fame.

Deathstalker is played by John Terlesky, and the dude delivers endless awesome one-liners while he jams swords into the necks of hired goons, who are clearly used and reused throughout the film. I'm pretty sure I saw him poke a hole through the same portly henchman at least six times. And he had a smile on his face and a quick quip ready every time the blood started spurting.

Deathstalker's love interest is played by B-movie semi-legend Monique Gabrielle, who pulls double-duty as a princess and the clone of a princess (long, idiotic story). One of 'em lives with the main evil sorcerer dude, the other (the real one) has been kicked out of her castle and managed to get Stalker to take pity on her. They ride around on a horse, banter their way through numerous murder attempts, and get it on every once in a while.

So, in that way, it's kind of like the original. But the hammy jokes flow throughout this thing, and when a movie like this ceases to take itself seriously, it immediately gets ten times better. I was hoping to see Deathstalker break the fourth wall, but it never happened. If this film has a fault, that was probably it. IF it has a fault.

Watch the possibly-NSFW-because-of-some-sideboob trailer here. Watch for the sweet part where the sorcerer stabs a guy through a cauldron he's using to communicate with him.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Money - Trust Me (1983)

I bargain-bin bought this a while back because the cover was awesome, and because I figured it for some new-wave synth business, which I always enjoy. It ain't that. Instead, it's slickly produced mid-80's ass-rock, and I gotta say: for that, it's pretty damn good.

Maybe I'm a sucker for the band photo on the back where two of the guys are brandishing guns while another restrains a bulky Rottweiler, or maybe I just appreciate a good blow-job innuendo song ("Go Down" is hardly subtle), but between the power ballads and the radio-ready rockers, I'm actually surprised there's not more info on the internet about these dudes. They also credit some girl on the back of the LP with providing "Sixth Sense," and that's pretty sweet.

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Is this a bit? - A sweet question to ask someone when they're saying something so ridiculous that you think it must be part of a comedy routine.

Origin - Humorless rubes.

Usage - "Oh, dude. After waiting in line for 14 hours to see The Hunger Games at midnight, it feels really good to urinate in a toilet again."

"Dude, where did you pee?"

"Dude, that's between me and the private URL to my blog post about the entire magical experience."

"Dude, is this a bit?"

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I Bet Nick Nolte Has Done at Some Point:

10. Chugged gin out of a loaded shotgun barrel
09. Banged a Vietnamese chick in the back of a Le Car
08. Watched Eddie Murphy pass him by on the way up, and then again on the way down
07. Smoked seven Misty Menthols at the same time. With his nose
06. Disappeared for weeks at a time and gotten irate when no once noticed
05. Shaved his face with a rusty Spaghetti-Os lid
04. Asked Streisand how raspy she likes her dirty talk
03. Combed his hair with a spork he found in the back of a cab
02. Head-butted a microwave while all juiced up on low-grade trucker speed
01. Gotten a wake-up call when he was mistaken for Busey

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