Gome of the Week
I initially thought this was a joke, but Courteney Cox is actually starring in a new show called Cougar Town.
Well, when we first offered the term "cougar" up on March 3, 2002 (thanks again, Dold), we hoped it would make its way into America's vernacular. Mission accomplished.
Now, clearly (and not only because of this specific show, but also the insipid E! network and other flagrant offenders), it is time to release the term back into the wild, to let it run free with our other compromised words like "bromance" (Oct. 27, 2004) and "whiskey tango" (Sept. 29, 2002). It will be missed.
Oh, and America–you're welcome.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Poets Ranked By Beard Weight - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow–not as strong of a showing as I'd have liked to have seen.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Veronica 2030 (1999)
For some reason, when I picked this up, I thought it looked like it was from the mid-80's. Maybe it was the poorly done cover art; maybe I just wasn't paying attention because there was no way I wasn't going to spend a buck on a movie taglined "The Love Android." What I got was the unrated director's cut of a straigt-to-Skinemax flick from 1999.
When the male leads are named Johnny Styles and Everett Rodd, you pretty much know what to expect. Folks, it was wall-to-wall boobage. Now, I've never seen the "rated" version of this movie, but I'm assuming this one had way more nudity, because there was hardly a two-minute strectch when somebody wasn't disrobing. And while this isn't a full-on porno (though the woman playing Veronica is a porn star), this would have even pushed Cinemax's limits on decency. Thankfully, there was a ridiculous little story to tie it all together.
In the future (but strangely, not the year 2030, though they don't actually say when it is), two scientists (a man and a woman; duh) are creating the perfect mate, and they're almost done. She's laying on their space table with foil covering her naughty parts, hooked to some gizmos, and when they turn her on (ahem), she's clearly ready for some human contact. They turn her off, leave, and then an intern comes in, turns her back on, has sex with her, and then pushes a wrong button and sends her to the past.
She ends up in Harry Horner's House of Fetish in L.A. in 1998, and immediately becomes their newest model, and a smashing success. She also has sex with two other female models and the photographer. Harry Horner is the nice guy, and has feelings for her (awww), but while he's banging the two models that Veronica already did scissor leg-locks with, Veronica sees them, gets her android feelings hurt, and leaves to model for their direct competition, a company run by a lady who she has sex with. She also has sex with her butler. Will Veronica come back? Yes, but not before the scientists have sex with each other before they go to 1998, and the photographer has sex with the direct competition lady, and the butler has sex with Veronica again. Then Veronica comes back, has sex with Harry, and decides to stay and not go back to the future, instead opting to be a stripper of some sort. Luckily, Harry is a geek and loves to fuck robots! So it all works out.
And if you're paying attention–yes, I was supposed to review Sketch Artist 2 this week. It hasn't shown up yet. Hopefully next week.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Lou Alexander - The Earth Shattering Lou Alexander (1969)
I'm assuming the title of this record is ironic, because this guy couldn't be more bland. I mean, his bit on contact lenses is groundbreaking, but other than that...
Actually, the real reason this record is so awkward is that it's recorded live, and the laughter from the crowd is timid at best. I always figured they would overdub guffaws into albums like this if the real crowd wasn't cutting it. Apparently not. And I always thought a two-sentence quote/seal of approval from Joey Bishop on the back of your LP was a surefire sign that you were tops, baby. But after listening to this guy's rant about what a rip-off package vacation deals are (the plane took off from a softball field–while the game was still going!), I have to reconsider. You burned me, Bishop.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Magazines: The TV of Reading - A sweet fake promotional slogan I made up for the magazine industry. Patent pending.
Origin - I love magazines.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I cannot wait to go see Star Trek. Those guys do not look like choadbags at all."
"Dude, your choad detection skills are wavering."
"But Entertainment Weekly put it in their Hot List! Why would a magazine lie to me?"
"Ah, magazines. The TV of reading. And just like TV, they cannot be trusted."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're About To Make The Evening News:
10. After waking up from a nap on the bus, you dig into your pockets for your transfer and realize you're not wearing any pants
09. Your goddamned camper on cinder blocks with the meth lab in it just blew up again
08. You've never heard the phrase "Quit resisting!" this many times during your other PCP binges
07. You're in awe of the fact that one pizza guy could produce so much blood and so little cash
06. While cleaning up the rat corpses in your restaurant's vegetable crisper, you see the investigative "Dirty Dining" reporter lady pulling into the parking lot
05. You're suddenly wondering why anybody would even bring a butterfly knife to a breakfast buffet
04. Taking the shotgun on the roof seems to somehow be your only viable option
03. You're surprised to learn that the phrase "We've got the place surrounded" is not just something that is said in movies
02. When the cops are slamming your face into the dumpster, all you can think about is how your clown makeup must be really getting smeared
01. Your life savings have just been wired to Nigeria
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