08.15.12
Gome of the Week
Hide your daughters!
The king of shock-rock is back, and he's still got it!
Ppppppppppbbbbbbt.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Giant Humpty Hump Head Needs a Home - All right, who's gonna loan me their truck?
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Into the Sun (1992)
Oh, it must have hurt Anthony Michael Hall to make this one. Seven years after Weird Science and a scant four years after the criminally underrated Johnny Be Good, he finds himself paired up with Michael Paré, who at this point had made peace with his B-movie lot in life.
The cruel irony here: Hall's character is a Hollywood superstar - loved by the ladies, idolized by the dudes, and filthy rich. That couldn't have made things any easier.
But, a paycheck's a paycheck, and Hall doesn't phone this one in. In fact, dude cracks wise throughout this thing, and especially next to the cyborg-like performance of Paré, he takes what could have been a tremendously shitty movie and actually makes it mostly enjoyable.
Hall plays Tom Slade, a mega-famous cool guy actor who sets up shop at an Air Force base to study pilots in preparation for his next role. He gets partnered up with Lt. Watkins (Paré), a veteran flyboy who doesn't give a shit about Slade's celebrity. But, when Tom tries to bang Watkins' military girlfriend, things get tense.
Right after that, on a routine jet-flying exercise, Slade and Watkins are shot down by overzealous foreign (Middle Eastern of some sort, I think - it made no sense) pilots, and soon they're stranded in the desert.
These two guys hate each other! One of 'em's a by-the-book pilot, the other's a spoiled Hollywood brat. When they're taken hostage by terrorists, can they find a way to get along? They better, because their lives depend on it! After that it's pretty much 20 minutes of explosions with Hall making witty quips while dressed like an Arabian. It's good stuff.
Best quote from the back of the box: "Hall... is excellent!" Would love to know what that ellipsis is hiding.
Also: apparently this movie reuses footage from Iron Eagle. Ouch. But, Brian Haley is in it, and he's a stallion. Maybe it's a wash.
Here's the trailer. Strap in, but be sure to eject if it gets too hot up there, ace!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
James Last - In the Mood for Trumpets (1975)
I showed this LP cover to my wife, and the first thing she said, which was also my first reaction, was, "He looks like a Bob Odenkirk character."
Indeed he does. He's also a famous, crazily prolific trumpet player, and this seems to be from a particularly awkward time for him, and by "awkward," I mean "severely awesome." I'd gut a hobo for a goatee with such thickness and precision.
Here he is conducting his big-ass band, the same year that this LP dropped.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
overdue for a Side of Iron - A sweet way to describe the urgent need to watch a movie with Michael Ironside in it.
Origin - Biff informed me that I coined the phrase here.
Usage - "Oh, dude. We've got nothing to do on this Friday night. Wanna go throw expired soft cheeses at mall security?"
"Nah dude, I'm staying in tonight. Going to catch up on the seven movies Michael Ironside made over the summer."
"Dude, you're falling behind!"
"Dude, I am indeed overdue for a Side of Iron."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways to Keep the Olympic Spirit Alive:
10. Craft a javelin out of a pocket-knife-sharpened broomstick and get to impalin'
09. Shot-put your baby
08. Use your house-arrest ankle monitor as a makeshift weight and shred those glutes
07. Create a podium in your living room and give a gold medal to yourself for not getting a DUI this week
06. Ask your wife to bite the edge of her diaphragm before inserting it while our national anthem plays
05. Berate your kids for not being more spry, agile, and Asian
04. Never forget the miracle victory of our underdog US basketball team. They're the real heroes
03. Make a note to yourself to see how Lochte's doing in about ten years - is there any chance he won't become the world's next new fashion-designing sensation?
02. A neck-tattoo portrait of Chinese diver Wang Hao would make for a tasteful tribute
01.
Get uneven parallel bars installed around your fuckswing
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