12.14.11
Gome of the Week
A couple of sweetbros got arrested down by Eugene this week after a high-speed chase during which they were winging weed out of their car while barreling down I-5 at 110 mph.
They were initially being pulled over for speeding, which is pretty much exactly what you should be doing when you've got five pounds of the sticky-icky in your sub-compact.
Unless you're some sort of wussy.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Nintendo Console Christmas Ornament - "Pick any two games." This is badass.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Black Christmas (1974)
Margot Kidder, you drunk sorority-house stabbing victim.
Kidder was 26 when she took the highly coveted role of "Barb" in this movie, but she looks about 42. She spends the majority of the film chugging booze, puffing cigs, and running her fat mouth. Or as she calls it, "Tuesday." Hiyoooooo!
Seriously though, this movie was sweet. Out of all the Christmas horror movies I've watched, this one was probably the best. Well, it might be tied with the original Silent Night, Deadly Night. But while that one was a little hokey because of all the Santa stuff in it, this one is just flat-out scary. Yeah, it's on some "The call is coming from inside the house" shit, but if I had seen this when I was a kid, I may have pissed the ol' pants.
Much like last week's gem, this flick centers around some sorority girls who are hanging back for Christmas break and enjoying some cordials, conversation, and bloodletting. The murders are accompanied by repeated creepy phone calls that seem to involve a kid talking to his mom, with the occasional "cunt" thrown in there for some added grossness.
The cops get involved, tap some phone lines, and it seems pretty clear who's behind it. Or is he? The ending wasn't the most satisfying thing in the world, but all the shit ramping up to it was nicely pulled off. And there's something extra creeepy about horror movies from the 70's. That grainy film just makes everything a little bit sicker. Oh, and it also featured John Saxon, the cop from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies and like a hundred other things. The dude's no-nonsense.
Check the long-ass trailer out.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Woody the Woodchuck - Christmas Sing Song (196?)
If this looks like a cut-rate Chipmunks knock-off to you, you're quite right. And while the cover and concept would seem to be shameless enough, the folks who put this together took it even further, saying "fuck it" and just putting an actual Chipmunks song on here.
I took this image off the web, but my copy says "Featuring the Chipmunk Song" on it. And it does: The "Christmastime is Here" number, complete with all the Alvin and Dave arguing bits and everything. Bootlegging has never been so blatant. And the rest of this record is poorly mixed versions of Christmas faves by Woody himself, who could really use some assistance on the voice-modulator thingy. 'Cos that shit is in and out.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
sting ring - A sweet way to classify your butthole after you blow ass for two days straight.
Origin - The illness I just endured.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Hand me the Pepto. I'm gurgling."
"Dude, I can hear you from here. It's a cascading symphony of rumbles."
"Dude, it's been a rough couple of days. Got a debilitating case of sting ring right now."
"Dude, you should get a topical cream of some sort. For the sting ring."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Adjectives To Describe The Farts I Had When I Was Sick Last Week:
10. Dog-startling
09. Record-skipping
08. Air-hottening
07. Bolognaesque
06. Wife-crippling
05. Feline-dispersing
04. Fern-wilting
03. Snappy
02. Surprisingly rhythmic
01. Violently wet
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