08.10.11
Gome of the Week
The 61-year-old lady who was swimming from Florida to Cuba is "deeply disappointed" that she only completed half of the 103-mile journey.
In related news, I was visibly winded after hitting a stand-up double in softball the other day.
So, you know: I hear ya, sister.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Movie Rad - In case you're in need of a little AA. (Attitude adjustment.)
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Art of Dying (1991)
According to IMDb, Wings Hauser made 7 movies in 1991 and also appeared in two television shows. You can either view this as an admirable work ethic, or the makings of a guy who just can't turn down work. Wings is a special case, because I think it's a little bit of both.
I'd love to accuse him of phoning it on this one, but he directed the damn thing as well as starred in it, so I've got to give the huge-headed guy some credit. This movie's pretty shitty, but by shoestring-budget 1991 standards, it could be much, much worse.
Hauser plays a cop (really!) in the greasiest part of Hollywood, and he's hot on the trail of a local pornographer who's luring young wannabe actors and actresses into his studio with big promises, only to murder them on film in the style of a famous movie. They do the Russian roulette scene from The Deer Hunter, the shower scene from Psycho, and the chainsaw bit from Scarface.
Hauser's directorial skills were put to the test here, as they clearly shot the majority of the street scenes without a permit: Lots of heads turning as Wings chases "Latin Jerry" through Hollywood blocks in the middle of the night. I applaud his DIY ethos.
There's also a scene where Hauser (the director) intercuts quickly between a brutal stabbing murder (the Psycho one) and him going down on a chick in a bathtub (Kathleen "Yeah, I Married Lorenzo Lamas for a Part on Renegade, What of It?" Kinmont), in order to show how orgasmic the murderer gets or something. It's heavy stuff, or at least it's supposed to be.
In a crazy turn of events, Hauser gets into it with the police chief, tells him off, turns in his gun and badge, and is forced to go rogue. With some help from Michael J. "The Frozen Bum in Scrooged" Pollard, a police psychologist with a heart of gold, he tracks down the creepy filmmaker and tosses him off the roof of a building. (You already knew this ended on the roof of a building, didn't you?)
Hauser wears cowboy boots throughout, in case there was any question about that. And, the preview before the feature included full nudity and swearing. I like when they do that. Lets you know the flick you're about to watch will be all kinds of sleazy. And it was. The phrase "trim" showed up in the first two minutes. Hot stuff!
Speaking of trailers with nudity and swearing, here's the one for The Art of Dying. Probably shouldn't watch it at work.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Don Lonie - Talks Again (196?)
Faithful Sly readers may recall that over three years ago, way back in Week 250, I wrote a glowing review of the first Don Lonie LP. Little did I know, the dude took his bible to another church youth conference and just kept yappin'.
Again, Lonie's quick with the jokes that the teenagers awkwardly respond to, and again, he's quick to segue into the Jesus talk. According to the back of this LP, he does this "in an 'off the cuff' manner, establishing a rapport with his audience that enables him to communicate so effectively with that special segment of society called teens."
It also claims that his first LP was "the best selling album of its kind ever produced." In the sequel, he tells girls not to dress like skanks just to get attention. Man, am I glad none of the girls I went to high school with fell under the spell of this madman. Hiyoooo!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
slapdashery - A sweet way to classify the style choices of someone who looks like they got their outfit out of their hamper.
Origin - Me before I lived in a place with on-site laundry facilities.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm looking a little wrinkly in the ol' clothes department today."
"Dude, you look like you've been hibernating in that outfit."
"Dude, it's my unique, sad, slightly stinky style that sets me apart."
"Sweet slapdashery, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Most Hilarious Scenes in The Change-Up, A Movie I Have Not Seen:
10. The part, directly post-switch, where the dudes examine their new dongs
09. "You teabagged my wife?!"
08. The part where the family man in the bro's body comes home to find a skank waiting at the bro's place because she just lives to chug balls, and he has to decide if it's really cheating if he gets his balls chugged
07. "Don't forget! You've got that big presentation today! You don't know how to tie a tie? Whaaaa?"
06. The part where the bro has to tell the family man where he keeps his Valtrex
05. "You gave my wife the chili dog?!"
04. The part where Reynolds and Bateman laugh as they deposit their sizable paychecks
03. The part where the bro has to change a diaper and he's like "Eeeeew, it's green!"
02. The part where the bro in the family
man's body bangs his secretary and then is all like "Bro! She was a 9! Maybe a 9.5! I couldn't not sample the goods, broseph! You wanna fist bump?"
01. The part where they find out that the only thing that can break the curse is love, or, if that doesn't work,
rubbing their boners together
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