Gome of the Week
This show has been on for five seasons and I have literally never heard one human being talk about it, nor have I seen it written about in any magazine or on any website.

Bottom line: I don't think it actually exists.













This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Ferocious Tire Sculptures of Wild Animals - Usually I think art is for "fruits," but these are awesome.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Streets of Rage (1994)

Yeah, I've got a screener copy of this. Jealous?

Last week's lady-asskickery got me all hot and bothered, so I decided to see if this high-kicker in mom jeans could also throat-chop her way into my heart. And if her 10-second, sadly gratuitous, through-the-tempered-glass shower scene would have clocked in at an even 15, we may have had a winner. As it stands, I think we're looking at a draw.

You all remember Magificnet Mimi from AWA wrestling in the late 80's, right? Of course you do. Well, this was one of her Hogan-esque attempts at mainstream movie credibility. Sadly, this flick makes No Holds Barred seem like Raging Bull. Or at least Kickboxer II: The Kickening.

Mimi's last name is Lesseos, and here she plays Melody Sails (she also wrote the screenplay, btw), a former military something-or-other (an opening scence of her in camo kicking some dudes is supposed to account for her martial arts skills) who is now a newsroom lackey looking to make reporter.

After uncovering a child prostitution ring (fun stuff!) she lets some of the homeless teens involved in the ring sleep at her apartment, and tries to get them to get her info for her story by bribing them with food and couch space. She also dates like three different dudes while this is going on: one who's a cop (duh), one who's the guy who is actually the head of the kiddy hooker ring (double duh), and one who's just some prick that she works with (huh?).

I gotta say: for a movie with a cover like that, and one that makes a point of saying it stars a "martial arts champion," there was very little kicking in this movie. And when there was, it was terribly choreographed and the sound effects didn't usually match up with the kicking. I was left wanting more foot-to-neck contact. I was also left wanting a story that wasn't so ridiculous and shitty. The story of my life.

Can't find a trailer, but here's ten minutes worth of scenes from the movie. Buckle up.





This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Hear How to Touch Type (1962)

Step one: place your typewriter on a velvet blanket.

Complete with four-page type-along booklet, this mini-course in secretarial practicality includes instructions to aid you in quick typery of common phrases, including "We saw the quaint zoo," and "Put down the axe."

But it may be most notable for the ferocity with which the narrator delivers the command "return!"

Check the audio here.






This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Now we do heroin. - A sweet way to announce a celebratory situation.

Origin - This scene from Killing Zoe, a movie I apparently used to watch a lot.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I have now seen Captain America six times."

"Dude, you are the champion of all dodeboys."

"Dude, I know. I was crowned Dode King while arguing about "Cap" on the IMDb message boards today!"

"Dude, now we do heroin."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Acceptable Places to Wear Jean Shorts:

10. A meth cook's funeral
09. A John Cena choad-a-like contest
08. Any place where you'd like your balls to "accidentally" expose themselves
07. The fake church you run out of your woodshed
06. 1996
05. The mini-mart where you buy your 2Pac wall hangings
04. Breakfast with illiterates
03. Your appointment to get your tribal calf tattoo touched up
02. The abandoned apartment that you're going to strip copper wire from
01. A tour of the British Knights plant


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