Gome of the Week
Operation: Nerd Pandering has been compromised.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Pop Culture Cash - Pinhead on a fiver.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Lady Avenger (1988)
I have a history of getting my hopes up with movies that feature a cover as sweet as this one, but I also have a history of being sorely disappointed. This flick delivered.
So many plot holes. So many scenes that needed to be reshot but they clearly didn't have the budget. A leading lady with a gleam in her eye, like she thought this might actually be her stepping stone to stardom. (She would get a boob job and appear in Playboy two years later, if that counts.) A script that came across as if it was written by an aspiring high school student with a learning disability. It really has it all.
In the opening scene, a couple are assaulted. The dude gets murdered and the girl gets raped and has her eyes cut out. Quick-cut to a prison warden's office, where Maggie (Playboy Playmate of the Month January 1990, Peggy McIntaggart, here credited as Peggie Sanders) is told that her brother has been brutally murdered. No reaction.
The warden allows her to attend the funeral, but only if she's accompanied by a armed guard. Maggie runs from the portlly female guard at the funeral, and after the guard shoots at her through the grieving crowd while using the coffin to steady herself (seriously), Maggie puts on a thin white tank top, opts to go braless, and starts running towards revenge with all the jiggling she can muster.
She meets up with one of her old boyfriends, and they eventually get into a rumble with a trio of thugs (who we recognize from the opening eye removal), led by Arnie (Billy Frank, "Buddy" from Nudity Required - small world), a loudmouth who enjoys talking while punching. At one point he says to one of his fellow no-goodnicks about Maggie's boyfriend, who they're pounding on, "I'm gonna cut this guy's balls off and feed 'em to you!" The other dude replies, "I'm not hungry, man."
That is just one shining example of how awesome this movie is. Detailing the overall incongruity of the plot would take forever, but watching the elements not add up was too much fun. Also fun: Maggie trying to say that her stepdad suffers from "assholeism," but she pronounced it "assilism." 14K gold.
I may actually watch this movie again at some point. It was really that impressive. Its 80-minute running time is also great incentive. Check the trailer here. And marvel.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Peewee Pickers - Gettin' Goin' (1982)
Ranging in age from 10 to 14, these kids "really created a stir" after they played their debut concert at the Utah School for the Deaf in 1980. Look at those guys. Just coolin' on a wagon trailer thingy.
These kids are awesome. The picture of one of their dads (and also manager) on the back with bio info that says he "wished he'd perfected his musical abilities as a child" is a bit disconcerting, but when you hear these chaps jam out on "Deliverance," you forget all about the fact that they just might be a Lou Pearlman-style, carefully assembled teen-idol outfit, concocted to woo the young girls of the Utah bluegrass circuit. Pick on, Peewees.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
assilism - A sweet way to describe the affliction of being assy.
Origin - Maggie from Lady Avenger's mispronunciation of "assholeism"
Usage - "Oh, dude. How was waiting in line for the latest Harry Potter movie?"
"Dude, I'm not proud of myself. I pushed down this little kid who was wearing Harry Potter glasses and they shattered and lodged in his face. There was a lot of blood but I just kept walking."
"Dude, sounds like you've got a pretty serious case of assilism."
"Dude, totally. But the movie was sweet. Lots of spells were cast and shit."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I'm Expecting From Apple's Wednesday Release of OSX Lion:
10. Hand gesture for my trackpad that will allow me to make a virtual jerking off motion in whatever message board I'm arguing in at the time
09. Is it too much to ask to get some fucking wheatgrass juice to shoot out of my disc drive?
08. A little Steve Jobs that appears on my screen and gives me a thumbs up every time I complete a sweet keyboard shortcut
07. In-depth, completely over-the-top internet fanaticism that I will publicly decry but privately touch myself to
06. If I could view everything in that jagged, cool-ass font that Slayer uses, that would be neat-o
05. Voice controls that, when anyone else tries to use them other than me, talk back to the imposter and say, "cool guys only, rube"
04. I could really use a reliable recipe for a zesty beet compote
03. I don't know, like some sort of limited edition medal that I could wear around and treasure forever or whatever?
02. Rave fanboy reviews three minutes after it drops
01. Less money in my pocket than I have now
Cancel One Career