06.22.11
Gome of the Week
Judy Greer got engaged over the weekend, to this oily producer guy.
I give 'em six weeks.
Tops.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Dusty Wolfe - Tremendous wrestling stories from one of the greatest jobbers the WWF has ever known.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Abraxas (1990)
Looks at how badass that cover is. There's an alternate cover (that also includes the proper subtitle, "Guardian of the Universe") that is possibly more badass because it includes a sweet shot of the main villain dude yelping. And yes, that is LaFours from Mallrats. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Or maybe I'm not. So far we've got Jesse Ventura with a laser eye, possibly in space, clashing with LaFours. Add to that a sweet shot of Jim Belushi behind a desk on the back cover (apologies for the HUGE image), along with the phrases "ecological suicide" and "anti-life equation." On top of all that, this is one of the two or three movies that Ventura actually got top billing in during his short-lived, post-Predator/Running Man career as a film actor. You can't blame me for being excited about this one.
As usual, I was slightly let down. But watching Ventura in a Terminator rip-off is still way better than a lot of the slop I subject myself to, so I don't want to complain too terribly much. This flick was ridiculous enough to hold my attention, poorly written enough to laugh at, and flat-out bizarre in so many ways that I remained constantly surprised by its machine-gun barrage of nonsensical elements.
From the sultry synth music that plays during action sequences, to the scene in which a shirtless Ventura lays in bed and attempts a heart-to-heart with a five year old boy, only to come off as a greased-up pedo-alien, this movie just couldn't connect the dots. And that made it all the more fun to watch.
When you check out a movie's IMDb page and all the reviews are either 10 stars or 1 star, you know you've hit on something special. Yes, the cover is misleading: they're not in space, Ventura doesn't shoot lasers out of his eye, and Belushi's in it for two minutes, apparently as a favor to his then-wife, who co-stars in this flick. And yes, at some point in Hollywood's tarnished past, a Jim Belushi cameo was considered a "favor."
I didn't really get to the plot, did I? Eh, Abraxas (Ventura) is 10,000 years old, has a robot in his wrist, and he defends the universe. But you know what he can't defend himself from? Love.
Apparently the official trailer for this movie is hard to come by. Check out a fan-made one here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Phantastic Phillies (1980)
Much like Finley's Heroes from Week 340, this LP tells the tale of a World Series-winning baseball team through the magic of radio recordings, interviews, and dubbed cracks of the bat.
When you talk about the 1980 Phillies, you immediately think of two people: Manny Trillo and Bake McBride. Why? Because they have sweet names. Sure, I guess you could say that Pete Rose (for some reason referred to as "Peter" Rose on the back of this thing) and Steve Carlton may have played more of a part in the championship season, but really, without that Trillo/McBride connection, their stars wouldn't have shone nearly as bright.
Other dudes on this team with notably sweet names: Greg Luzinski, John Vukovich, and one of the best-named pitchers ever, Bob Walk.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Yes, it's all very stupid. - A sweet and droll way to describe how stupid a situation is. Must be said with straight-faced mock dignity.
Origin - Really thought I stole this from somewhere but Google is telling me it's mine. Patent pending.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I went to see Green Lantern for the fifth time today."
"Dude, you are green with idiocy."
"Dude, and then I went and bought the new Entertainment Weekly with Ryan Reynolds on the cover because that is something you rarely see and I am a super fan. I really am tremendous."
"Yes, it's all very stupid."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Best Lines From The Human Centipede, A Movie I Have Not Seen:
10. "Did he just call me Thorax?"
09. "This guy with the caved-in face and no discernible lips seems cool. Maybe he's got some weed. Let's cruise to his pad, as us young ladies are known to do."
08. "I don't want to sound presumptuous, but this chap really seems to be sizing up my mouth hole."
07. "You're the engine, and you're the caboose. Choo choo!"
06. "They force-fed me at anorexia camp one time. It's not that bad."
05. "Damn! No reception on my phone. Double damn! This guy's looking like he wants to sew my mouth to your butthole."
04. "Consider yourself centipeded."
03. "Mmmph! Mmmmmmmph!"
02. "I am SO glad I'm not the meat in this sandwich."
01. "Eh, it's still better than Arby's. Hiyooooooooo!"
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