04.04.10

Gome of the Week
Katherin Heigl has replaced hearts with guns. Let's hope the American public can handle her branching out like this.

Men and women, y'all.

Men and women.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
American Indians Action Figure - Looks historically accurate to me.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Open Fire (1995)

Jeff Wincott is often shirtless, always oily, and he's looking to kick some neck. In this action-porn flick, he stars as Alec McNeil, an FBI agent who's recently been booted off the force for not following the rules. Yep, he doesn't like people telling him what to do. So when a team of highly skilled mercenaries take over the chemical plant that his dad runs, he does what any rogue cop would do: he busts into the place and proceeds to neck-kick his way through a Die Hard rip-off so hackneyed that you look forward to the fight scenes just so the b-grade actors will stop sleepwalking through their horrendous dialogue.

Thankfully, you never have to wait long. Wincott can't act to save his life, but man, the guy can kick. And punch. So there's rarely more than five minutes between vaguely-martial-artsy face-offs. And the best part? After every beatdown, he delivers a clever aside in a raspy cool-guy voice. Just waiting for those comments (always made to himself, mind you) made this movie a treat. Example: He makes his way into the chemical plant via the roof, and when he catapults himself up there, he's greeted by one of the lower-level "mercs." The guy says, "Who the hell are you?," and Wincott goes, "Health inspector. We've had some complaints." Then he spin-kicks the guy in the face. Fucking sweeeet.

Later, he breaks a dude's back by flinging him onto a horizontal pipe, off which the guy ricochets and plummets two stories to his death. Wincott looks down and says, "Ouch." My favorite little comment he made was towards the end, when after stealing a gun from a merc that he kills, it jams, and as he tosses it away he goes, "Should'a bought American." Of course, the bad guys are American, so this makes no sense. Which makes it rule even harder. Speaking of ruling, in an early barfight scene, Wincott is rumbling with some bikers, when one of them turns his back to him, grabs a pitcher of beer from the bar, and quickly swings it around to hit Wincott. In a move that sums up the bad-assness of this guy perfectly, Wincott punches the guy in the face through the pitcher of beer before it can hit him, both eliminating the pitcher as a weapon and knocking the thug out. Super sweet.

And yeah, he saves the day in the end. Duh. This movie rulez.

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Monte Moore - Finley's Heroes (1973)

If you know your baseball history, then you know that the 1972 Oakland A's were interested in two things: winning ball games and taking a big dump on everything that baseball purists held dear. They wore white shoes, grew their hair long, were forced at gunpoint by their loony owner Charles O. Finley to grow mustaches, and they had a live, disease-infested monkey for a mascot. Or at least that's how I remember it.

This record is the story of that dream season, complete with Rollie Fingers interviews and a short profile of one of the best-named players ever, Campy Campaneris. And thankfully, Reggie Jackson was injured during most of the more important action, so you don't have to hear much about that chump.

Look at Catfish Hunter. Now that's a ballplayer.

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Should'a bought American - A sweet non sequitur to only be delivered in a cool-guy voice.

Origin - Wincott.

Usage - "Oh, dude. My new girlfriend is giving me mad trouble. She won't come over until I grow myself a Rollie Fingers mustache."

"Should'a bought American."

"Dude, put your shirt back on, and put the oil down."

"Ouch."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things To Do After Purchasing Your iPad:

10. Post a picture of yourself on the internet holding the iPad. You, sir, are a hero
09. Lube that shit up and squat on it
08. Thrust it in the air and feel your man-breasts slap together, you portly, portly loser
07. Take it home, dick around on it for six minutes, hit the message boards with the "oversized iPhone" rhetoric
06. Snort blow off of it. You know someone's going to eventually. It might as well be you, you dickhole
05. Let's not fuck around: You bought it so you could one-hand jack it to internet porn in bed. Get to it, stroky
04. Try to fold it up like a wallet
03. Just walk around flaunting that shit, bro. You've finally found a whole new way to meet people and then eventually creep them out
02. Once again remember your one true strength in life: waiting in line
01. Clear a spot for it at the dinner table

 

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