Gome of the Week
In this week's "another sign that the world is ending soon and it's going to be packed with shitty music when it goes" news, a hair-challenged supergroup has emerged that seems to be based on a too-many-tamales induced dream I had like 15 years ago.
Yep, Joe Satriani, Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, and Chad "thought you were cooler than this" Smith have joined forces to confuse people everywhere.
Adding to the inexplicable nature of the proceedings, they've chosen what is apparently the only band name left: Chickenfoot. Godspeed, you delusional rockers.
In a short follow-up to last week's Gome, Stallone has now cast 50 Cent and Eric Roberts for his film. It's a great time to be alive.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Graham Barker's Navel Fluff Collection - Don't think I haven't thought about doing this.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Dead Pet (1999)
I was reminiscing about the video store last week, and I'm going to keep it going this time around. I was always a Hollywood Video man. I went to Blockbuster once in college, and after they sent me a collection notice for a three dollar late fee, I never went back. I always liked Hollywood. Good selection, sharp tuxedoes, and they were always willing to let those late fees ride.
The coolest thing Hollywood ever did was the First Rites Screening Series, a monthly thing where they would release independent films by first-time directors that had (I'm guessing) failed to secure distribution. A portion of the rental fee would go to a foundation that gave grants to filmmakers. Cool idea. Destined to fail, but a great gesture.
This is one of those movies. It's incredibly low-budget, sometimes shakily shot, and seems very Clerks-y. But hey, it was the freewheelin' 90's. If you go into a flick like this with lowered expectations, you can really have a good time. Sure, the acting in this movie wasn't great, but I did laugh a few times, and the story was nonsensical enough to add a nice level of quirk to the story.
This dude comes home from Harvard for the summer, only to find that his parents have spent the remainder of his college fund on an operation for their poodle. He decides to become a knife salesman while he's trying to bang the hot girl who works at the minimart down the street, and hilarity ensues. It's a nice mix of people who seem like they may have acted before and those who are clearly friends or relatives.
And it made me miss that neatly cut bob hairstyle that all the semi-alternative chicks rocked in the late 90's. Innocent but dangerous!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Isaac Air Freight - Snooze Ya Looze (1981)
If there's one thing better than a comedy recording from the early 80's, it's a Christian comedy recording from the early 80's. These guys are wild! Their hilarious send-up of Leave it to Beaver called "Leave it to Squirrellie" is a riot! Eddie sure doesn't want Beaver–I mean Squirrellie–to paint the church! But hey, what else is he going to do when he isn't busy praying for Wally?
In the game show spoof "People Say the Darndest Things," they accuse contestants of taking the lord's name in vain during private moments and then read Bible verses telling them how they've gone against god. Luckily, by repenting, they can wipe their slate clean! Phew, that was a close one!
They also think television is a time waster and is only watched by assholes! Which seems to be a strange position for an evangelical operation to take, but hey, that's Jesus for you. Always with the smooth talk.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
off the meat wallet - A sweet combination of two phrases that makes no sense at all, but is hilarious nonetheless. Use it just like "off the heezee."
Origin - I spend a lot of time talking to my brain.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Have you seen the previews for the new Fast and Furious movie? Vin Diesel was saying something about appreciating a fine body, and you think he's talking about a car body, but there's this chick standing there, and I think he's totally talking about her body, dude!"
"Dude, this movie is going to be nothing short of incredibly off the meat wallet."
"Dude, get off my property."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Reasons Why "Craptown Pipers" Is The Top Google Search Keyword That Brings People To This Site (Seriously, It Is):
10. Someone is actually thinking of naming their band this. I hope this is true, because it would be the best thing ever, and a crowning achievement in my already illustrious career
09. Someone got drunk at a Scottish celebration and thinks they saw a bagpipe band with this name
08. Someone is considering the name for their Craptown-based plumbing company
07. It's the internet's way of reminding me that I've never had one original thought, ever
06. Porn director considering the name for his all-invasive new fetish film
05. Was on the short list with Chickenfoot for supergroup name
04. This drunk party remark had more legs than I initially thought! Time to make some t-shirts
03. Common misspelling of puppy potty training product "Crapdown Papers"
02. Apparently the taintalingus craze we started has run its course, and this is the new thing
01. I don't know, but apparently my fictional band has influenced these guys
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