Gome of the Week
In continuing with my theory that it's 1987 all over again, our man Sly has just started work on his newest writing/directing endeavor, a flick called The Expendables, about a ragtag group of mercenaries trying to overthrow something or other.
His co-stars (and I'm not kidding): Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It has also been rumored that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin might be on board. Seriously.
Looks like they're going to need to hire somebody to be in charge of Fiber Con disbursement and chest shaving.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Peep Revolution - Viva.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Traces of Red (1992)
Remember the "Suspense" (or possibly "Thriller") section they used to have in video stores where all the covers looked exactly like this one? You know, the section where you could go under the guise of wanting to see a high drama, but really you just wanted to see a little boob?
This movie epitomizes that section of the video store.
Now, if you're like me, when you're watching a Jim–excuse me, James–Belushi movie and he's playing a cop, you become preoccupied with waiting for his dog co-star to show up. Sadly, there are no dogs in this movie. But there is The Belush, and he's as half-baked as ever, just with more hair and a smaller gut.
Lorraine Bracco circa '92 with a bad bleach job is strangely alluring, but alas, when her steamy bedroom (hotel) scene plays out, it appears she used a body double. Damn her and her standards! Speaking of Bracco, she's part of the Sopranos connection that runs through this flick. The director, Andy Wolk, directed an episode, and co-stars William Russ (the racist dad from American History X) and Joe Lisi have also appeared on the show. So there you go.
I'd take the time to explain the plot, but it's ridiculous. I will say this, though: this movie kept me fairly entertained. I never watch murder mysteries, let alone ones starring The Belush, so I found some stuff to enjoy. I'm terrible at figuring out whodunits, and the ending of this one was so over-the-top cooky that I never had a chance. And Belushi as the guy women can't resist is pure comedy.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Arnold Stang - Waggish Tales (1960)
That wolf and that bull have been haunting my dreams ever since I picked this record up a few weeks ago. Apparently this guy (Stang) was famous for his craaazy glasses, so I think that's why the animals are wearing 'em. Whatever the reason, it's pretty clear that wolf's out for blood. And there's something very disconcerting about a cow wearing patent leather loafers...
Stang sounds like a developmentally disabled version of Lou Costello, and listening to him is pure torture. If you put me in a car with this guy and Jerry Lewis, I'd throw myself under the wheels or find a way to lock lips with the tailpipe. But look at those wacky red socks! This guy is cuckoo!
Seriously. Don't let your children near that wolf.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
hiding under a pile of coats - A sweet way to avoid life.
Origin - it's another misquoted Simpsons reference.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Where have you been for the last few nights? If we are to be bros, we must bro down."
"Dude, I've hit a coug-less rough patch, and the only way I thought it might work out was by hiding under a pile of coats, and just hoping everything would turn out fine."
"Dude, how did that work for you?"
"It was weak, dude. Dude, it was weak."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Best Ways To Add More Fruit To Your Diet:
10. Employ friends to toss kumquats into your open mouth while you're sleeping
09. Squeeze an entire fresh grapefruit into your coffee each morning
08. See how many grapes you can cram up your fat ass
07. For a fun party game, try beer-bonging pureed boysenberries
06. Instead of Milk Duds at the movies, switch to Runts
05. Two words: lemon enema
04. The next time the banana peel pipe is being passed around, take a hit, you pussy. Unless you're scared. Are you scared of a wittle banana peel? Everyone's doing it. Hit the pipe, you sissy
03. Get creative, and work an assortment of prickly pears into your lovemaking
02. Complement your dinner with an ice cold glass of raisin juice
01. Eat the watermelon after you have sex with it
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