Gome of the Week
Chuck Norris is suing the publishers of a recent unfunny book written about him because the insanely hyperbolic statements in it "aren't true." Also not true: Chuck's hair and teeth.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Videos of People Beating Ass at Tetris - Make sure to watch the original GameBoy dude. He's incredible.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Connor's War (2006)
Let's Make Biff Watch Stuff, Vol. 1
Currently on our Sly Records message board there is a section where people can dare yours truly to review any pile of garbage that I can locate at the video store. This is our first installment. I felt almost guilty watching this because it wasn't even close to being bad bad. I mean you've got Treach attempting to play a blind man in a revenge action thriller. What else do you need? The special effects weren't as bad as I thought they would be. Nor was the film. This is the perfect piece of junk type movie to watch at either 1am or first thing in the morning after you awake. Just don't let anyone see you watching it. That's the idea. Keep the "challenges" coming.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Gary Lemel & Bill Marx - Love Strokes (1986)
Sorry about the crappy photo, I have a hard time tracking down pics for some of these and usually have to resort to expired eBay auctions. ANYway, I never get tired of scouring the bargain bins for these half-dollar gems. Picked this one up a few days ago, and the cover and the title have turned out to be the best thing about it. It's all lounge bullshit, standards like "It Had To Be You" and "My Funny Valentine" with terrible smooth jazz sax lingering in the background. I can actually feel my testicles crawling up into my abdomen as the record spins.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
manther - The male version of our perennial favorite, the cougar.
Origin - Hard to say. Ottawa?
Usage - "Dude, my coug and I had a great Christmas. I got her drunk and gave her the double eye blinky. It truly was a tender moment, captured on film and spread across the internet in an instant."
"Dude, you are both tech saavy and a terrible person. It's a lethal combination."
"Not as lethal as the manther I saw your sister with at Fuddrucker's. Dude was drenched in Stetson and ready to party."
"Dude, that is untight. But I am not one to hate the player, only the game."
"Dude, if you're going to keep saying brocentric things like that, I think we may have to call off our bromance."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Surprising Things About My Christmas:
10. No real feelings of cheer, but an abject urge to hurl those old timey Christmas tree bulbs at people on the street
09. Did not receive the "Big Dog" t-shirt that I repeatedly requested
08. Waited on the roof with a pillowcase full of doorknobs, Santa never showed up to "get his come-uppin's"
07. Turns out that if you ask nicely and feed them, Emerson, Lake and Palmer will come to your house and play the three or four Christmas songs they know
06. Thought my gifts of Dr. Scholl's deodorizing inserts would be respected as both thoughtful and sensible, but turns out it only confused my Grandma further when I asked her if she was now "gellin' like a felon."
05. Have a feeling one of my relatives donated money in my name to a fake charity, Costanza style, but I just don't have enough evidence to back that up. Yet.
04. Didn't think I'd have to look back on this Christmas as "The one I spent at the OTB," but, you live, you learn
03. Finally found that old VHS tape I have of the dirty 70's cartoon where Santa gets it on with Rudolph. Not as festive as I recalled
02. Turns out the mall Santas don't like it when you whip batteries at them
01. I realized that the Santa Clause trilogy really must be watched in widescreen and hi-def to be fully appreciated
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