05.29.13
Gome of the Week
JC Penney just cannot catch a break.
Though apparently they've sold out of these, so they may want to consider adding a little more Hitler to all of their kitchen accessories.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Kasey's capable hands - Real. Life. Mojo.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Die! Die! Die! (2001)
Just look at that legless body with Richard Grieco's slightly-too-big head photoshopped onto it. I think there's a metaphor for this flick's shittiness in there somewhere, but I'm not feeling ambitious enough to dig it out.
What I will say is this: this movie is 82 minutes long, was filmed (very hastily, I assume) in Canada, and finds Grieco referring to his knife as his "blade" while the grease visibly drips off every surface on his person. So, as you might guess, it's both hilariously great and unbearably asstacular all at the same time.
Grieco may be the big name in this (I know, I know), but it's really the story of a young woman (Canadian temptress Brigitte "Wikipedia says I'm best known for the Red Shoe Diaries" Bako) being left for dead and then exacting revenge on the chain-smoking human oil vat that sent her down a ravine in a Datsun with a gas-can bomb riding shotgun.
Of course there's an ex-husband and estranged daughter involved, and the family-reunion sappiness got in the way of Grieco delivering half-baked threats while chain-smoking Marlboros and screaming into his flip phone, which is really what I paid to see. But I could watch him do that all day, so perhaps I'll never be satisfied.
I think it might be called Die! Die! Die! because the girl almost kind-of dies three times in it. The alternate title - the one listed on IMDb - is Sweet Revenge, which is also the title of like 15 other movies made before this one. Damn: they almost had it.
Re: the tagline - If they're talking about the girl, wouldn't it make more sense to say "Now, it's their turn to Die! Die! Die!"? The way it is it's more of a "let's finish the job" angle. But, again, I'm no Steve Spielberg. Not even a Jim Cameron or a Marty Scorcese.
Here's the trailer. Might have to towel off afterwards.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Ron DeLay & Paul Hurst - Heartsong (1981)
Just a couple of guys doing harp duets of songs like "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" and "The Rose" - no big deal. They even throw in a Dan Fogelberg cover to prove they're today's modern wuss.
From the back cover: "I would like to thank Barbra Streisand, who without knowing it has been my teacher and inspiration."
Oh, she knows.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
driving a Yugo - A sweet euphemism for having a small, compact dong.
Origin - Hey, it'll getcha where you need to go.
Usage - "Dude, I'm a little nervous about my date tonight."
"Dude, what is the problem?"
"Dude, I've never told you this before, but I drive a Yugo."
"Dude, lemme just put it this way: you can park that thing anywhere."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Scenes In This Summer's Blockbusters:
10. Jason Statham punching a Learjet in the face
09. Superman shaving his beard off with his mind
08. Channing Tatum dancing shirtless on a chopper hovering over an exploding White House
07. Spider-Man checking out a leather bar
06. Nicolas Cage somehow finding a way to eat his own mouth
05. Sharon Stone pooling into a puddle of goo while Jerry Bruckheimer won't return her fax
04. Will Smith and his kid tossing around the ol' green screen
03. Eddie Murphy in a fat suit working through kidney stones while Clint Eastwood cries softly in his cage
02. Jesse Eisenberg pulling off miraculous sleight-of-hand by convincing people with
millions of dollars that he is still capable of carrying a major motion picture even though most people refer to him exclusively as "somehow worse than Michael Cera"
01. Charo getting a new face installed
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