05.22.13
Gome of the Week
This changes everything.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Sticks Downey t-shirts - Buy one. Heck, buy five. Get a rotation going.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Witchtrap (1989)
Kevin Tenney made Witchboard, Night of the Demons, and then this. And though this says on the front that it is "From the writer and director of Witchboard" and it contains the word "witch" mashed together with another word in its title, it is not a sequel. I know this because on the back of the box it says "Notice: This motion picture is not a sequel to Witchboard." They also display this same message across the screen before the movie starts.
So make no mistake! (Though it seems like it would have just been easier to not mention witches in the title to this movie because it does not feature any witches. Though it does feature a trap. Also, the tagline "This time, it's not a game" seems particularly misleading. Like, over-the-top misleading. Also that guy on the cover was in Witchboard. Anyway.)
Night of the Demons has become probably my favorite horror movie of all time, and though this movie was not nearly as enjoyable, there were some fun connections, which makes sense since it was filmed the year before: Linnea Quigley is in both, though she dies fairly early on in this one. And yes, she does it while taking a gratuitous shower.
Also: the dude who played Stooge in Night of the Demons is in this. And most random of all, the guy who does Angela's demon voice in NOTD is the star of this movie. You see? It's a tangled web of b-movie buddies.
Anyway, this movie was rough. The acting was way more terrible than I expected, which is saying a lot, and the special effects were pretty low-level, too. Though a dude's head did completely explode at one point, on some firecrackers-in-a-watermelon shit. So that was OK.
But the story was about ghost hunters, and those people are always the worst. Just running their fucking mouths constantly and holding seances and shit. Luckily, you get to see most of them dismembered. And this is all because some guy wants to turn a haunted house into a bed and breakfast. That is the premise for these people being in this house. Welp, that's capitalism for you. Thanks, Obama.
Here's the trailer. It is in Spanish. Maybe Portuguese.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Too Much Trouble - Too Much Trouble (1985)
There is also a song on this called "Too Much Trouble." That's the hat trick, ladies and gents.
This is a private-press record out of Portland and I cannot find a lick of info about it online. I'm not shocked by that, but the songs on here are actually pretty good, in that could-have-been-featured-in-a-low-budget-movie sort of way.
The back cover features an elaborate painting of a woman running after a guitar player with a frying pan. Seems like that should have been on the front.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
tear jerker - A sweet thing to call masturbating while crying.
Origin - Somebody on Twitter. I don't remember who.
Usage - "Dude, I need to be alone."
"Dude, are you going to sob while stroking it?"
"Dude, I am."
"Dude, sounds like a real tear jerker."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Rejected Beer Koozie Slogans:
10. "World's Gayest Grandpa"
09. "I'd Rather Be Sticking to a Budget"
08. "I Rub My Sad Limp Wiener Against My Truck Tires"
07. "I Don't Know How Many I've Had, or How Old My Children Are!"
06. "Rapey at 80"
05. "Property of Rent Town U.S.A."
04. "Bearded Diva"
03. "I've Fallen and I Can't Reach My Misspent Youth"
02. "Drunk Boating: It's What's for Dinner"
01. "Hold My Beer While I Drown in This Above-Ground Pool"
Cancel One Career
