05.15.13

Gome of the Week
I didn't think it would be.

But now I think it might.

The pressure's on, sculpture boy.

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Sly Vinyl - I bet they wanted to call it Sly Records but I bought this domain right afer the internet was invented and will hold onto it forever, so no dice! Looks like a cool site, though.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
One Man Force (1989)

John "Forever Sloth" Matuszak died shortly after this movie was made. I found that out by looking at his Wikipedia page. I also found out that he has an autobiography called Cruisin' with the Tooz, which is exactly what I would have called it and is way too perfect.

Matuszak is what we in the biz call "a shitty actor," but when you're as massive as that dude was you get cast in movies like this just for the sheer entertainment of watching a human being one-hand lift a refrigerator and carry it around as a shield or crush a dude by throwing a Pepsi machine on him, which were both smooth moves that The Tooz pulled off in this movie, which also featured Charles Napier, because of course it did.

Tooz plays Jake Swan, a good cop with a bad attitude who gets the job done by any means necessary. Though it seems like he's always being shut down by his wet blanket of a chief, played by Ronny Cox, the man who is a police chief or politician in every movie ever.

So, when Swan and his partner/best friend spend the first 10 minutes of the movie showing their bordering-on-gay man-love for each other, you know his pal's going to be dead in a matter of minutes. And, he is. And the guy who shoots him gets away. And Jake Swan will not rest until that man eats a hot lead supper and takes the dirt nap. But then this rock singer lady gets kidnapped, and the same guy's responsible for both crimes...it's a whole situation.

The important points to take away from this are as follows:

1. When The Tooz watches a villain's car go over an embankment and burst into a ball of flames, he stares at the aftermath, smirks, and says, "Damn. I forgot my marshmallows."

2. When The Tooz throws a guy whose foot is caught in a rope off the ledge of a building and that guy is left swinging by the rope into an explosion from earlier, his body catching fire and quickly being reduced to a pendulate, charred corpse, he looks down and says, "Should've joined the circus."

Now that's good stuff.

Here's the trailer. And remember, bad guys: when you Tooz, you lose.

 

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Family Circle Presents - Exercising Made Easy with Jack LaLanne (1974)

You gotta love how old-timey LaLanne always was. He starts this thing off with something like, "Hey gals. I know you're busy, taking care of your house and your husband..." Whoah, easy there, Jack. it's 1974. Time to loosen up that hairpiece.

You can look forward to the "face uplifter," the "heart beater," the "spare tire fighter," the "ankle slimmer," and, of course, "hips, hips away."

I'm starting tomorrow morning.

 

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
sneezure - A sweet thing to call many sneezes in rapid succession.

Origin - Most girls I've ever known.

Usage - "Dude, can you hand me a handful of pepper?"

"Dude, yes, but I'm going to pass it under your nose first."

"Dude, batten down the hatches. I feel a sneezure coming on."

"Dude, hold on. Let me get under my tarp."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Foot Doctor:

10. "Toe jam sounds funny, sure, but it's not so funny when you try and spread it on toast. Trust me."
09. "Go ahead and count down your toes to me, in order of importance."
08. "Have you ever seen those cute commericials where the anthropomorphized fungi lift up a big toenail like a car hood? Well, ha ha, but that is going on on a much larger level in your socks right now."
07. "Arch support? That's a little racist, don't you think?"
06. "I'm going to have to incinerate your Keds."
05. "You've got really flat feet. Ever think of coating them in Teflon and becoming a human spatula?"
04. "Your pinky toe looks like an old cigarette butt."
03. "Time to lose this pesky webbing. Nurse, hand me the nail clippers."
02. "Whatever happened to those footy socks with the poof balls on the back? Those still a thing?"
01. "Your feet smell - and look - like Gorgonzola cheese."

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