05.08.13

Gome of the Week
Later, losers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Moment of Impact - Sweet photos of things breaking.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Mother's Day (1980)

Lloyd Kaufman's brother Charles carries on a proud tradition of over-the-top horror/comedy/general disgustingness in this, a movie that I have been saving to watch until it was close to Mother's Day, because I enjoy being topical.

I'm pretty sure this is a big-time cult classic in nerd circles, and with good reason: it's the story of a nutso old lady and her two mentally deficient sons, all of whom enjoy spending time together and brutally butchering people for funsies. Awww. That's sweet.

When three gals who were friends in college get together ten years later to take a camping trip, they end up deep in the woods and eventually tied to nautilus equipment in the dilapidated home of these greasy loons, who do some legitimately troubling stuff to the ladies, which actually made this movie straight-up disturbing in a couple scenes.

My wife walked in and watched 30 seconds of this movie before she asked me if it was a Troma production. It may have been during the scene where one of the girls forces Ike, one of the sons, to drink a whole can of Drano. Very Tromarific.

The girls eventually get away and then the movie shifts gears into revenge mode when they decide to go back and kill the shit out of their captors. I was hoping for a little "Sisters are Doing it for Themselves" soundtrackage during that part, but no such luck. Still, it doesn't stop them from jamming the backside of a hammer into one of the brothers' crotch and extracting his guts through the hole where his ballbag was. Put the kids to bed!

So, yeah, this movie was pretty sweet. And the production quality all-around is super impressive, no joke. I guess they recently released it on blu-ray, so I will be looking for that in bargain bins.

Fun fact: they remade this movie in 2010 with Rebecca De Mornay as the mother. I have no memory of that occuring.

Here's the trailer. Might be a little too sexual assault-y for work.

 

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Joe Crutch - Guinaifen Manglo (1977)

Joe Crutch's real name is Joe Duenas and, well, you see where he got the nickname.

When I first got this I thought maybe it was a metaphor or some play on his real last name, but nah. Dude had polio when he was a kid, and he was straight crutchin' it from then on.

He only lived to be 41, but he got married three times, had ten kids, and put out, from what I can tell, close to ten records. And if that isn't odd enough, it's native music from Guam, which I didn't even know was a thing.

It's vaguely Hawaiian, but with more percussion and no uke. Thank god.

I can't find any video of him, but here's a picture of Joe playing guitar with his crutches under his arms.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
shpurf - A sweet thing to call sock lint stuck under the corner of a big toenail. Also great as an insult.

Origin - Fargo.

Usage - "Dude, this Great Gatsby movie looks like it's going to be off the meat wallet!"

"Yeah dude, that Jay-Z soundtrack is guaranteed fire!"

"Dude, I know when you're teasing me. Dude, you're teasing me, aren't you?"

"Dude, I am, and you are a monumental shpurf."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Ways You Can Get Off My Lawn:

10. In a bodybag
09. In a lawn clippings bag because that is all I could find
08. Daintily, like a French schoolgirl
07. With my asspiss-filled Super Soaker pointed right at your domepiece, son
06. You can take the stone path, actually. It's just right over there. No, farther. There you go. I know - it's nice, right?
05. You can wait fer me to count three, but I gotsa warn ye, when I count three somebody usually ends up covered in brain pieces
04. Slip 'n' Slide's all set up - catch air, broseph!
03. Crying, if you're gonna be a puss about it
02. Quickly, because I found a legal loophole that allows me to hunt you for sport for up to three hours
01. I don't care - just scram, you hoodlums! And take your rap and/or hip-hop music with you!

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