04.03.13

Gome of the Week
And everything is going great.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Sightseer - Vintage photos of touristy tourists.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
How to Protect Yourself Against Weapons (1994)

I have little use for a tape like this because I am a certified, grade-A badass and an unstoppable kiling machine, so pardon me if these rudimentary lessons seem a little pedantic to a guy who shoves revolvers up thugs' buttholes for fun.

Having said that, a yella-bellied wuss like yourself might could use this info, so if I were you I'd listen up while Master Tsai ("the foremost teacher of Shaolin kung fu today") shows you what to do when some methadone-craving dickhead pulls a hunting knife on you in a dark alley.

You might think it's the balls. But it's not the balls. Repeat: you don't need to work over the groin area. Unless you've already neutralized your attacker and you want to toss in some light speedbagging for some good-ol'-fashioned insult to injury.

Speaking of injury, the one you want to inflict is the one that takes their knee, throat, or eyes out. Dude can't fire his gun if his eyeballs are being pushed back into his brain by your grubby little sausage fingers. Also he will have a hard time running after you if you shatter his knee joint. In fact, he may have trouble running in general after that.

You should also work the throat with an Eagle Claw, but you want to be careful with this one because a tight pinch will subdue your assailant, but a really tight pinch will kill him. So, you know, keep that in mind while your life is flashing before your eyes during the scariest set of events you have ever experienced in your heretofore placid, boring life.

You will carry this pain with you always.

Anywayyyyy. This was a pretty fun flick! I can't find any video online for it, but if you want, I'll loan you my copy. It just might save your life.

 

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Les Brigham at 88 - Love Songs and Other Musical Memories (1979)

Signed copy! Bonus.

This is a fascinating record. I can't find any info on it online, and it seems to be a vanity project of the highest degree. Wes croons out some guitar-accompanied standards on this thing, but he also chronologically breaks down his life's adventures, even though he admits early on that his memory has been slipping.

The results are rambly, choppy, one-take recordings that prove, if nothing else, that Brigham's wife of 60 years was an encouraging, tolerant woman.

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
nudity in the trailer - A sweet way to describe the quality of 80's/90's VHS movies. If there was nudity in the trailer, all bets were off.

Origin - The original red-bands.

Usage - "Dude, I'm thinking about watching Night Eyes 3."

"Dude, that flick features both Shannon and Tracy Tweed."

"Dude, nudity in the trailer?"

"Dude, do you even have to ask?"

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I Did at the Oregon Coast Last Weekend:

10. Boogie, body, and wakeboarded
09. Asked some seagulls why they get so worked up about garbage
08. Tossed back a couple cool, refreshing glasses of ocean
07. Went to the candy store and bought a gummy worm the size of a softball bat
06. Did a few key bumps of sand, right off the beach. So pure
05. Threw jellyfish at unsuspecting traffic from a secluded overpass
04. Got a personalized Oregon mini license plate that says "JUGGALO4LIFE"
03. Pummeled some mouthy teenagers with the aforementioned gummy worm
02. Stood in line to get ice cream and then stood in line again at the public restroom because the ice cream gave me violent, explosive diarrhea
01. Gave the ladies what they wanted: me in a tank-top, aka the shoulder-hair express

 

Cancel One Career