Gome of the Week
"Hi, The Rock. I'm Susan Sarandon. Hey, listen, can you tell me what the hell I'm doing in this movie with you?"
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Kayfabe News - Sweet wrestling satire.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Mercy Streets (2000)
All you have to say is "Eric Roberts plays a gangster" and I'm in. Throw some Lawrence Taylor in there and I'm double in. Make it a thinly veiled message about how sweet Jesus is, and I'm less interested.
Which is shitty, because other than being hammered over the head with words from the J-Man, this flick wasn't actually too bad. The story was intricate (though it does involve identical twins played by the same actor, which is always dicey, unless we're talking Van Damme in Double Impact, which is solid gold), the acting - especially from national treasure Eric "My Shishter Julia" Roberts - was pretty good, and they actually had car chases and other decent-budget tropes.
But, it was rated PG-13. So, Roberts was never able to really let loose with the expletives, which was a downer. And, LT and Stacy Keach, though both prominently featured on the box, were both only in the movie for about four minutes apiece.
Taylor plays a priest, but I couldn't really see his scenes because the irony was just too damn thick. Hiyoooooo!
By the way, I'm such a dolt that despite that big cross and the Films of Faith logo on the front of this thing, I went into it like, "Hell yeah! I hope Eric Roberts kicks some ass in this movie and maybe tosses out a few witty quips while he's got a gun in some goon's mouth." Totally oblivious over here.
Which is why I feel burned when I shouldn't, and why I don't really care either way. I've seen way worse movies than this, and they didn't have Eric Roberts in them. So maybe I should feel lucky.
Here is the trailer. Message alert! And also enjoy Roberts being awesome and the main dude being between haircuts.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Eejim Manning - Presenting (198?)
I'm sure I've told you before, but I am a big fan of private-press LPs from the Northwest.
I can't remember where I found this one, but this young lady recorded these pop songs in Portland and Vancouver almost 30 years ago, and they still live on through my crate diggery.
This thing's even got a song called "Oregon" on it. Just so you know it's the real deal.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
dog-startler - A sweet way to describe a fart so explosive it wakes and temporarily scares a sleeping dog.
Origin - Most evenings on my couch.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I had a semi-rancid can of beets for dinner."
"Dude, and you want to sit here and watch a movie?"
"Dude, if you can brave my upcoming flurry of dog-startlers, I think we could have a nice time."
"Startle away, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways to Fix What's Broken:
10. Tape that sum' bitch up
09. Glue that fucker
08. Hand me my epoxy gun, you puss
07. Spot-weld it, but make sure to wear eye protection
06. Ever hear of caulk, numbnuts?
05. I dunno, call the fucking fire department
04. It depends. You got a band saw and a lust for danger?
03. Burn it. Burn it to the ground
02. Rub some dirt on it and get back in there
01. 'Ludes. Lots and lots of 'ludes
Cancel One Career