12.19.12
Gome of the Week
Don't flatter yourself, Internet.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Visits the Set of This is 40 - He's still got it! Really going in on Lithgow.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
One Hell of a Christmas (2002)
I have to admit: I think the "Better watch out...Better not die" tagline is pretty sweet. Sadly, it may be the sweetest thing about this low-ish-budget horror movie that has way more to do with hell than Christmas.
Yeah, they throw a Santa hat on a few dudes here and there, and I think there's a few "Tis the seasons" strategically placed throughout the stiffly delivered dialog, but if I don't see somebody get their heart carved out with an icicle, it just doesn't put me in the spirit.
And, as is sometimes the case with these how-the-hell-did-this-make-it-into-Hollywood-Video flicks, it actually had some potential. The special effects were relatively good, the acting was shitty but whatever, and Satan makes a fairly lengthy appearance in one of the dude's apartments. But it was all squandered.
This the tale of a magic claw - one that heats up randomly, expels black powder out of its sharpest end, and ends up killing everyone who carts it around. Bonus, though: when you snort the black powder, you and your buddy can double-team a prostitute, kill her, not remember any of it, and then have your life ruined because The Dark Lord himself shows up while you're trying to get rid of the body. Turns out it's his. Literally. It's missing from his finger.
The dudes who end up in possession of the claw are both dirtbag fuck-ups, so when their lives start spinning out of control, it's pretty hard to muster up any giving-a-shit about it. I'm no screenwriter, but it seems fairly basic to have at least one character in a movie who someone might give a shit about. Meanwhile, these two shitheads are getting drunk, blowing rails of devil claw and ignoring even the most basic of human responsibilities.
No. Satan. Please. Don't kill these fine men.
Here is the trailer, in which they make a point to show all the Christmas-y parts of the movie.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Elly Ameling - Christmas Songs from Europe (1977)
Elly's not kidding about the Europe thing: she has each group of songs sectioned off, taking on a few tracks from England, Germany/Austria, Holland/Flanders, Spain, and France.
The two England songs are in English (go figure), but from there on out it's just Elly flaunting her multilinguality on jams like "O Suver Maecht Van Ysrael," Entre le Boeuf et Eane Gris," and "Nun Wiegen Wir Das Kindlein."
Christmas classics.
Here is "As I Sat on Sunny Bank."
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Would you please, for the love of god, and your own body, hold the hammering? - A sweet way to tell someone to keep the racket down during the Christmas season.
Origin - Scrooged.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Hanging these stockings on this cement wall has proven to be difficult."
"Dude, no shit. I'm not sure your method of driving railroad spikes into it with a short length of lead pipe is really the best way to see this through."
"Dude, just give me a few more minutes."
"Dude, would you please, for the love of god, and your own body, hold the hammering?"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things to Leave Out for Santa:
10. Cookies, milk, and a key-bump of blow
09. A VO5 hot oil beard treatment
08. A note that says, "My brother doesn't think you're real. Will you go into his room and step on his neck with your big black boot?"
07. "Diet pills"
06. A tube of K-Y and a card that says in no uncertain terms that your mom is a heavy sleeper
05. A request for an accuracy check on the crude drawing you did of Mrs. Claus topless
04. Cards for the reindeer that are really pamphlets on how to properly stage a violent, bloody revolt
03. A shot of rye and some old, dog-eared skin mags
02. A talking card that repeatedly says, "Thanks for dicking me over on the XBox last year, fucko"
01.
Your last can of Four Loko
Cancel One Career
