12.12.12
Gome of the Week
Top Gun will soon be receiving an iMax 3D release.
The line for jokes about the crystal-clear quality of the beach volleyball scene starts behind every comedian on Twitter.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
15 Cat Pictures You Won't Believe Are Pencil Drawings - Good god, that's the most Buzzfeed-y link title I've ever posted. But look at the cat with the bowtie. He's something.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Gingerdead Man (2005)
The acclaimed director of Evil Bong, Evil Bong II: King Bong, and Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong brings you the tale of a slash-happy cookie, voiced (at least part of the time) by a somewhat coherent Gary Busey.
This movie is 70 minutes long.
And that's including the standard this-movie-was-too-short closing credits, where they show each actor's name, along with 15 seconds of scenes featuring them from the movie you just watched. I was all like, "Hey, I remember that part, because I just saw it 12 minutes ago. Bonus!"
I thought maybe there'd be some Christmas in this movie, but no such luck. It's just a group of attractive lunkheads running from a cookie puppet in a bakery for an hour. And get this: the bakery is not locked, and they are free to leave at any time. But, they don't, and the phone line is cut and the one person who has a cell phone finds out that her battery's dead, so it's pretty much sit-back-and-die time at that point.
I was thinking maybe the guy who went out to his car to grab some shit halfway through the flick might flag somebody down or hit a payphone or something, but nah: he just readjusts his eyebrow ring, grabs his six-shooter, and fires off at least 25 rounds with it. Not that I'm getting nit-picky with a movie about a sadistic baked good, but come on.
Like most movies, this featured an appearance from Larry Cedar, who you might remember from C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D, Square One TV which you watched as a kid, and pretty much everything else that's ever been screened, projected, or televised. The man is available for work.
Here is the trailer. It does not include the part where the Gingerdead Man asks an old woman if she likes lady fingers and then cuts off her finger. They gotta save the good stuff for the feature.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
V/A - God Rest Ye Merry, Jazzmen (1981)
I have a nice little stash of random Christmas vinyl, but this is one of the only ones that I legitimately, unironically like to listen to.
It's on the safer side of jazz, but it beats those Chipmunks knockoffs I've been known to rock. And shit, if the Christmas spirit ain't about ten-minute instrumental versions of "We Three Kings of Orient Are," then I don't know what the deal is.
Here's the Dexter Gordon Quartet knocking out "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Believe it.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Don't forget the vig - A sweet way to confuse somebody when you loan them something.
Origin - The inner workings of shylocks, which I do not understand.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Can I borrow your live Stryper DVD?"
"Dude, of course. Make sure to check out the ripping version of "C'mon Rock."
"Dude, I will. And I'll bring it back next week."
"Sounds good, dude. And oh, dude: don't forget the vig."
"Dude, are you going to break my thumbs?"
This Week's Top Ten List
Oatmeal's Top Ten Four-Word Phrases You Never Want to Hear From Your Doctor:
10. "Hand me that flask."
09. "That certainly is hideous."
08. "Man, I love whiskey."
07. "Wanna buy some speakers?"
06. "You can't shit anymore."
05. "Smell this for me."
04. "An ingrown penis? Weird."
03. "Demerol is for pussies."
02. "I also do tattoos."
01. "That's not my finger."
Cancel One Career
