Gome of the Week
So this is real.
Here's the trailer for those of you who enjoy getting very angry.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
NEW DQT's Neighborhood: Episode 1 - Our pal BP Fresh from the Buttery Lords descends into madness and takes you with him! Enjoy the ride.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Landlady (1998)
Talia Shire has had one weird-ass career, so it's not shocking when she stars in low-budget, straight-to-video flicks like this, especially when she portrays a woman precariously teetering on the brink of sanity. In fact, it just feels right.
If you hadn't pieced it together yet, in this movie she plays (SPOILER ALERT) a landlady. Her name's Melanie, and her interests include Jesus, family, all-consuming deadly obsession, and bludgeoning the unworthy with weighty candlesticks. And guys: she's single!!!
Newly single, even. In the opening scene she catches her drunk husband banging a bank clerk, so she feeds him crab, which she knows he's allergic to, and he keels over while telling her how ugly she is. She then heads out to L.A., where her sister just died and left her a sketchy apartment building to manage.
It's not long before she's met a tenant who she's convinced will be her new husband. She likes him SO much in fact, that she kills her neighbor, lets the dude move into the now-vacant apartment (it's bigger than his current place), and installs both hidden cameras and a two-way mirror so she can eat popcorn and watch him change his clothes.
She's sure they're meant to be together, so when people start fucking up her new life plan, she sees no other option than to murder the shit out of them. Chicks, man. Am I right?
Things ultimately denigrate to Misery-esque levels of kidnapping/bed-restraining, which then leads to her donning her dead sister's wedding dress and performing a self-marriage between her and the shirtless dude with duct tape over his mouth who is strapped to his own bed and bleeding a little bit.
I won't tell you how it ends, but I will say this: if you're a fan of romantic comedies, this is the kind of movie that will make your ovaries rattle. So much romance. So much will-they-won't-they. Oh, and at one point she kills a prostitute and says something like "I really like taking out the trash." So that was pretty sweet.
Here's the trailer.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Viola Wills Ashmun - If These Walls Could Speak (1983)
Oh, the sexual innuendo of 12" disco singles. I'll never tire of it. Actually, I might be reading too far into this one, but I doubt it. There's a reason "If These" and "Could Speak" are in a tiny, barely visible font.
Anyway, this is a fairly standard single otherwise, aside from the fact that it came out in 1983. Seems like it's about four years too late. But it's got a six-minute A-Side, and the classic AA Side on the flip, which contains a coked-out medley of a few other cuts. Let's get sweaty.
Here's the title track.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
But you can imagine what it would be like if they did. - A sweet way to follow up a huge lie.
Origin - Farley's bus driver.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I super raged ultimately this weekend."
"Dude, so did I! In fact, I raged so hard that they crowned me King Party, threw me a parade, and let me have my choice of many beautiful, exotic women."
"Dude, no they didn't."
"No dude, no they didn't. But you can imagine what it would be like if they did."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Nicknames I've Come Up With For My New Cat, Barry:
10. Barometric Pressure
09. Baron Von Whiskervittles
08. Barry Horowitz
07. Bear Bryant
06. Barry O
05. Barely Legal
04. Barry Larkin
03. Warm Berry Compote
02. The Barrister
01. The Widowmaker Barry Windham
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