08.22.12

Gome of the Week
Well, it looks like my Twitter feed is going to be full of HILARIOUS jokes about this one for the next week.

So stoked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
France in the Year 2000 - If only we actually had it this good.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Jailbait (1994)

When the previews before a movie are for Beach Babes from Beyond and some Shannon Tweed thriller, and they both are old-school red-band trailers with plenty of toplessness, it puts you in full-on creepy mode to watch an unrated version of a movie called Jailbait.

Strangely, this movie was not that filthy. Unless you count C. Thomas Howell on his hands and knees, desperately trying to pick up the shattered pieces of his career. He probably got pretty dirty doing that.

Renée "Trish the Dish from Mallrats" Humphrey is the underage object of Howell's drunken pervy-ness in this flick, but credit is also due to her body double, who did a great job of taking a steamy shower with her hair over her face. Just top-notch work.

I thought Lou Diamond Phillips took the overacting crown in Extreme Justice from a few months back, but Howell really gives him a run for his money in this one. And now that I think about it, their characters are very similar. (Though that's not surprising: most of the dudes in these straight-to-VHS movies are loose-cannon cops who are constantly getting hassled by "sarge" for destroying public property while "making the bust.")

But I'll save that juxtaposition for my senior thesis. Right now I want to tell you that this is a story about the seedy side of Hollywood, and how a small-town girl gets off a bus and is stripping for drunk frat boys three days later. She's also looking for her sister, who witnessed a murder the cops think she committed, and she's on the run but still trying to get her fledgling singing career off the ground.

Enter Howell, a heart-of-gold cop who apparently also likes to bang 17-year-olds. That made for a sufficiently awkward sex scene. Almost as awkward as watching him handle a gun. Not exactly an extension of his arm. More like something the prop department just shoved into his hand a few minutes after his paycheck cleared.

Anyway, this movie was craptastic, but it did feature a young Dean "Hank from Breaking Bad" Norris, as well as the Hispanic dude who loses his cat in that one episode of Seinfeld.

Here's the trailer. It's nothing but inspirational.

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Bob Harrington - Holy Happy Hour (1973)

"Check it out: My Bible!"

Bob is indeed the honorary Chaplain of Bourbon Street, and you can see why: with his subtle demeanor, conservative dress, and fair skin, Bob's a man of the people - someone who can inherently be trusted.

This LP contains some of the best bits from his sermons, and his rant about how education is the downfall of this country is not to be missed. Or maybe it is! You don't want to learn too much. Bob says it just puts big words in your head.

But his tales can be heartwarming, too. Take the track "Jews in the Rotary Club," for example. In it, Bob tells a story about how he was asked to tone down the Jesus talk out of respect for some Jewish people in attendance at a sermon he was giving. He refused, and wouldn't you know it? "Those Jews" loved him for it!

His wigmaster was not available for comment.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
calling dinosaurs - A sweet way to describe violent, vocal vomiting, the sound of which is reminiscent of dinosaurs yelling. Or something like that.

Origin - Friends of mine through friends of theirs through someone hilarious.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I got ham-hocked last night."

"Dude, I know. I heard you in the bathroom this morning. Dude, it did not sound good."

"Dude, I've been calling dinosaurs since I woke up in the front yard."

"Dude, unsweet."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Comments I've Made About the Screen on My New Nintendo 3DS XL:

10. "Have you seen the size of this screen? It's big."
09. "It's so big. It's fuckin' great."
08. "I got a lotta screen on this sumbitch."
07. "Honk! Big-ass, super-sweet screen coming through!"
06. "Please hand me my screen shammy."
05. "Don't yell at me in front of the screen."
04. "You want me to set this thing down so we can play a game of air hockey on it?"
03. "Touch the screen again and I'll eat your fingers."
02. "The screen's sleeping with me tonight."
01. "The screen and I shared a moment just now. It was pure magic."

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