Gome of the Week
Did he win that medal in the Ultimate Choadbag competition?
If so: congrats, bro!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Your Sarcastic Guide to Alleged Plot Holes in The Dark Knight Rises - Obviously, do not read this if you have not seen the movie. If you have, and the internet has been pissing you off, this may be saying things you have been thinking. Solidarity!
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Conan the Barbarian came out in 1982, and it was successful with pasty losers everywhere. So, it's not surprising that movies like Beastmaster and Deathstalker got made in its wake.
Conan the Destroyer came out in 1984, and the pigment-challenged virgins were less enthusiastic, having probably moved on to Tron, or possibly Dreamscape.
The legendary Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time wouldn't come out until 1991 - when it would, as we all know, completely reinvigorate the sci-fi/fantasy genre and go on to win 12 Academy Awards - so in 1987, the world got what it desperately didn't need: a PG-rated fantasy flick about a distant world where everyone sucks at acting and is even worse at swordplay.
Scratch that: they got two of those. There is a sequel to this movie, and I'm considering watching it because I hate myself and sitting through another 90 minutes of these characters making it impossible to give a shit about anything they're doing would be my own personal journey to the darkest depths of self-mutilation, and I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING.
Seriously though, this movie was really shitty. I thought that guy up on the left there was Paul Sorvino for a second, and some of his old-country Italian charm would have been a welcome complement to the college-professor star of this movie, who uses a magic ring to travel to an alternate dimension where all of a sudden he's not really terrible at life and his calculator watch is a shiny beacon for slave-shrews who fuck for a pull off a goblet of mead.
Also bullshit: Jack Palance's name prominently displayed in the credits for this thing, when he doesn't show up until literally the last two minutes of the film to knock out a few raspy bits of stunted dialogue, tease the sequel, and look way out of place. Seriously: everyone's in pelts and studded jockstraps, and Palance is in a terri-cloth poncho with a noggin full of Brylcreem. Looking mad dapper.
If anyone wants to come over and flick lit matches at me while I watch Gor II: Outlaw of Gor, you just let me know.
Here is a trailer that is not entirely in English.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Ron Patty Family - In Concert: A Dream Come True (197?)
Fun fact: the gal playing keyboards for her parents' creepy evangelical family band is Sandi Patty, who would go on to ditch the rest of these dead-weight losers and actually become successful.
Ron Patty penned the back-of-the-sleeve liner notes for this thing, and the guy is one of the most egregious abusers of quotation marks I have ever encountered. I was going to list examples, but there are too many, so I'll just let you see for yourself.
My favorite one might be where he calls himself a Thankful "DAD."
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
the drain clogger - A name for the move where you choke someone out with their own hair. By stuffing it down their throat. (Victim must have long hair.)
Origin - Some hilarious video I can't find again.
Usage - "Oh, dude. That new Total Recall looks not only worth my time, but also worth my money."
"Dude, you know, your hair is getting really long."
"Dude, it is, but I fail to see how the two are related."
"Dude, I'll tell you. If you don't shut up about Total Recall, I'm going to give you the drain clogger."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Have Summer Olympics Fever:
10. You're acting like water polo is something that anyone gives a shit about
09. You stop talking about blazing a J off the torch long enough to cry at one of the pre-event puff pieces
08. You won't stop yelling "Ouch! That's gotta hurt!" for the duration of the three-day women's uneven parallel bars competition
07. You had your wedding ring melted down into a sad "gold medal for love"
06. You keep staring at your toddler and laughing at how she has no idea that you're going to push her into gymnastics until she hates you and your relationship becomes forever fractured
05. You keep talking about how the fencing competition reminds you of your last sexual encounter
04. You keep making sexual references to the muscle-bound lesbians playing beach volleyball who could step on your neck until you passed out
03. You sit through three minutes of soccer until you want to kill yourself, as opposed to the normal two
02. You're wearing a shirt that says "performance-enhancing drugs: hooray!"
01. You will not tolerate any giggling at the mention of the word "shuttlecock"
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