Gome of the Week
I saw a guy wearing these.
With a suit.
I wanted to beat him with a lead pipe.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
2012 Gathering of the Juggalos Infomercial - I look forward to it every summer, and it never disappoints. This year's is more surreal than ever.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Final Sanction (1990)
How many movies do you think have used the tagline "The only rule is there are no rules"? Like a hundred? Someone should look into that and let me know.
Let's just get this out of the way: Yeah, that dude's face. (Or: Yeah, that dude's Face, from Tango & Cash.) My wife walked in while I was watching this, dropped her box of wine, and screamed, "Dear god! Look at that man's grill! You could cut glass with his jaw!" Then she grabbed her box of wine and went back to bed. It was SO cute.
Anyway, yeah, he's hard to adjust to, because he's on some Rocky Dennis shit, but once you make peace with it, this movie is free to get on with its primary objective: ruling really hard.
Tell me this isn't the best plot ever: The US and Russia have nuclear-bombed the shit out of each other (using stock footage, apparently), eliminating a huge chunk of both their populations. Instead of risking any more casualties, each side opts instead to send one stone-cold badass into a neutral combat zone, with the survivor's country to be declared the winner. All wars should be settled like this.
The US dude is loose cannon, ex-military style, who only agrees to do it after the trumped-up charges that got him kicked out of the army are dropped. Oh, and because they implant a device in him that paralyzes him if he refuses to act as a killing machine. The device also allows a high-ranking (and sexy, supposedly) military lady to talk in his ear while monitoring the location of his fellow combatant.
The Russian guy is Ivan Drago-esque: systematically relieved of any emotions, and trained to dismember on sight. He also throws mini-shovels. Not sure what's up with that.
This flick was a solid 80 minutes long, which meant there was about a half-hour of exposition, 40 minutes of these dudes beating the shit out of each other, and ten minutes of crooked government guys getting their comeuppance while the US dude begins the process of banging the girl who coached him through his fight to the death that ended with no one dying. That's right: these two guys decided that war wasn't the answer, and they both walked. I was kind of bummed, but when Face asked his new bro if he could get him a girl, it was worth it.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Narrated by Vin Scully - The 1981 Dodgers: World Champions (1981)
Yes, we all remember where we were when "Fernandomania" swept the nation. Ron Cey was waddling down the third-base line, Steve Howe was still able to conceal his cocaine dependency, and Al Campanis was still general manager of the Dodgers, before he went on Nightline and exposed himself as a tremendous racist.
It was a simpler time, and when you listen to the radio broadcasts of a relatively young Vin Scully calling the games during their unexpected championship run, it almost makes you wish that Pedro Guerrero would have lived up to his potential. Almost.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
gem-blemming - A sweet way to describe ruining something that was fine as it was. Blemishing a gem. Basically the opposite of polishing a turd.
Origin - A Twitter roundtable.
Usage - "Oh, dude. These movie reboots are getting donkronkulous."
"Dude, agreed. Remind me what's wrong with the original Total Recall?"
"Not enough choadbags in it, dude?"
"Dude, I like your theory. There is some serious gem-blemming going on there."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Surprises in The Dark Knight Rises:
10. Michael Caine's full-frontal, creepily gratuitous nude shower scene
09. Bane removes his voice-box thingy and sounds exactly like 80's-era Bobcat Goldthwait
08. Adam West cameo where he plays Slappy, the guy who lives under Bruce Wayne's porch
07. Robin played by a skin-tight-leotarded, never-not-smiling Hugh Jackman
06. Batman's one weakness: itching powder in his Bat-suit!
05. No, really though: it's a machine-gun to that part of his face that isn't covered
04. Matthew Modine looking around and pinching himself
03. Christian Bale looking mad dumpy
02. This one scene where an errant Bat-a-rang takes off the arm of a third-grader
01. Product placement results in awkward scene where Batman goes to Outback Steakhouse and devours a Bloomin' Onion all by himself, getting ranch dressing on his utility belt in the process
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