Gome of the Week
This chump will not be at the CAC show next Friday.
But you know who will? Me, Biff, Oatmeal, and BAM the Diabetic Superhero.
You should come. I made a Facebook event page for it. Check it out.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
CAC on Facebook - I scanned, categorized, and uploaded a TON of old pics to this page. Enjoy them. You might even be in some of them.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Yakov Smirnoff: Just Off the Boat (1994)
Have you guys ever heard about this? It's this rare vid where Yakov gets seriously political, railing vehemently against the lingering after-effects of the Cold War and using some of the most coarse, vulgar language I've ever heard.
Nah, I'm just fucking with you. He spends 45 minutes in front of a crowd of 112-year-olds in Branson, recounting endless misunderstandings he had when he first arrived in America, and tagging them all with "What a country!"
I was pretty excited that this was '94-era Yakov, because it meant that he was already shit out the bottom of Hollywood and urinated onto Branson, where he would begin a still-selling-out-every-night stint, eventually getting his own theater, raking in millions of dollars, and genuinely besting punks like me who enjoy making fun of him on the internet.
This one time, Yakov got a job as a bartender and his boss said, "Do you know how to mix up a Grasshopper?" And he said, "Put a blindfold on him and spin him around?" And then I explosively ass-pissed myself because I laughed so hard. I mean, who says that?
Yakov, that's who! Right before he serenades Lady Liberty and then rips off his suit to reveal a "traditional" silky Russian outfit, in which he folds his arms and kick-dances like a buffoon to the delight of all the near-death white people in the audience. This guy.
I can't believe I can't find clips of this on the internet. But you get the idea: His mom used a waffle iron to press his pants. And it was hilarious.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Jesse Johnson - Jesse Johnson's Revue (1985)
I had never seen this Prince record before...Hey wait a minute!
I guess this is actually one of the dudes from an early incarnation of The Time, so his resemblance either makes more or less sense, depending on how you look at it. The fact that he straight-up bites Prince's musical style is wholly unforgivable, but he wasn't the only one trying to board that train in the year after Purple Rain came out. Still: this is really blatant.
But, watching this clip, I guess he also had some Little Richard and Hendrix in there (why are you playing a left-handed guitar, dude?), so it ain't all The Purple One.
The back cover of this thing is worth looking at. Revolution Lite!
And here's the video for the second track from this album, "I Want My Girl." It is actually pretty swizz.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
grab-a-cop's-gun crazy - A sweet way to describe someone's high level of craziness.
Origin - 30 Rock
Usage - "Oh, dude. Are you going to the sure-to-be-sweet CAC show on July 6?"
"Dude, indeed I am. But I will be leaving my crazy lady friend at home."
"Dude, a little too wild for you, huh?"
"No, dude. Just crazy. And not fun-crazy. We're talking grab-a-cop's-gun crazy, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things You Can Expect to See at the CAC Show Next Friday:
10. Two thirty-something dudes drowning in their own sweat
09. A life-sized C-Dog doll burned in effigy
08. Us turning to Dold and saying, "Line!"
07. Maybe that dancing guy in the furry suit? Anybody remember that guy?
06. Me wearing pants. Sorry gals.
05. BAM checking his insulin levels mid-verse
04. Oatmeal freestyling about how we never gave him proper space to "shine"
03. Our wives making sure we stay hydrated for our big show!
02. Me telling my wife to please not speak to the talent or look them directly in the eye
01. 2004 rolling in drunk and being like, "What's up, suckas? Let's rage!" And then we will rage with 2004.
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