06.13.12
Gome of the Week
Madonna whipping her boob out will always be awesome.
Pipe down, society.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Memphis Wrestling USA! - Classic wrestling shots, though some are guaranteed to make you uncomfortable. Tons of other great photos on this site, too.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Final Embrace (1992)
I don't know who that gal is on the front of this box, because she definitely wasn't in this movie. Though I doubt even she could save this poop-pile from uncontrolled stinkery.
This was one of the shittiest (hey!) movies I've seen in a while. I know I say that every few weeks, so I guess it's probably just the shittiest movie I've seen this month, but man: it was rough. The only things saving me were the Emmanuelle 6 trailer that played before the feature, and the fact that this flick had a running time of 83 minutes.
But even though it was mercifully short, there was still plenty of time for Robert "The Dick from Freddy's Revenge" Rusler to show us just how well he can't act. In his defense, the dialogue for this movie seemed to be written by a guy who took a weekend screenwriting seminar and then stayed up for the next three days getting all pilled up and convincing himself he was writing a real edge-of-your-seat whodunnit, so it's not entirely his fault. Some of the blame also belongs to Dick Van Patten, who never showed one emotion, except presumably relief when his check cleared.
The one thing I did like about this movie is that is revolves around the murder of a pop star, and I absolutely love when they do that in movies, because they have to show you the songs and/or music videos that made the person famous, and they always sound like deep cuts off a Lisa Stansfield record. So that was pretty sweet. But the girl who played the pop star also played her twin sister, and then she used a way-off-the-mark body double for her shower scenes... It was just a mess.
Can't find a trailer, which is a bummer, because I really wanted you to see just how extreme Van Patten's combover was in this thing. Just mad wispy.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
TDE Internationale Transporter - En Musikalsk Hilsen Fra (1980)
I'm an idiot, but from the best I can tell, this LP sleeve is in Danish. So, I can't read a word of it, even though there's a lengthy explanation of something on the back. I'm assuming it outlines what this business does, because this seems to be a promotional item they handed out.
The weirdest part: the songs are all full-blooded American truck-drivin' songs. There's "Milesaver Man," "Big Rig Rollin' Man," "Giddy-Up Go," and my personal favorite, "Chick Inspector (That's Where My Money Goes)." Classic.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
It's enough to make a guy fly private - A sweet way to sarcastically describe one's dissatisfaction with having to endure the problems that arise from being around normal, everyday, common folk.
Origin - Jason Nash's brilliant Bryant Gumbel impression. Listen to a clip here.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I went to see MIB3 for the fifth time this weekend."
"Dude, you're still sifting through some of the more complicated subtext, eh?"
"Dude, yeah, but I couldn't properly concentrate because the theater's cappaccino machine was on the fritz, and I needs me some 'chino."
"Dude, it's like a POW camp down there."
"Dude, it's enough to make a guy fly private."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Want to Do to the Internet Nerds Who Are Already Shitting On the Wii U Even Though It's Not Out Yet:
10. Tell their mommies
09. Make them chug their Mountain Dew Code Red until they vomit and then maybe they'll think it's blood
08. Bludgeon them with a Virtual Boy
07. Say "Let's go!" in the Mario voice, and then take their teeth out with rusty pliers
06. Ask them what their girfriend thinks of the console, pause for crickets
05. Tell them to get back to their Gaystation. Sweet burn!
04. Ask them how they stopped winning at life long enough to get on a message board for three days straight
03. Explain to them that the system is whisper-quiet, so it won't be distracting when they're having sex with the cushions of their couch
02. Elbow-drop their Xbox until pee their sweatpants
01. Tell them it's probably not for them, because apparently the system is highly sensitive to Extreme Dorito residue
Cancel One Career
