Gome of the Week
Yeah, step aside, you pansy-ass sandwich!
We've got a warty bread-dong full of piping-hot, grade-F slaughterhouse slurry for you to chug on!
Open up, you puss! I wanna see that white mystery sauce drippin' all down your pretty face...
Stop crying and scream it with me: P'Zolo! P'Zolo!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Movie Simpsons - I feel like somebody already did this a while back, but this one's all GIF-y.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Exquisite Corpses (1989)
Whenever you see a movie described as a "black comedy" on the packaging, you can pretty much assume that the company who agreed to release the picture has no idea what to do with it, and at some point just said "fuck it" and decided to appeal to pretentious dicks who fancy themselves fans of black comedy, or numbskulls who see those two words and scoop it up in hopes that Eddie Murphy or Martin Lawrence are in it.
This movie is not a comedy, black or otherwise, but I guess it was kind of funny how I sat on the couch for 95 minutes just to discover that I have no clue what happened in this movie. But I do know this: when somebody who's not David Lynch tries to be David Lynch, it never works out. But I do love that little art-house stinkers like this sometimes got a wide video release, so I can't complain too much. It's my bread and butter.
As usual, I've seen way shittier movies than this, but it's been a while since I've seen one so confusing. Short synopsis: this naive, hick-ish dude from the Heartland moves to NY, gets immediately shit on and defeated by the city, and then within two weeks is a bisexual cabaret star who's willing to murder some girl's husband so they can split her inheritance. And I think at some point he's working with the FBI or something.
I don't mind far-fetched, implausible plot points, but if you don't at least attempt to connect the dots, then you're just lazy, and I've got no room for that idiocy. I could make a movie where a bunch of random shit happens for no reason, too. But I don't, because I don't want to subject anyone to my selfish, art-for-art's-sake indulgences.
I bet the director of this movie LOVES Andy Warhol.
I cannot find a trailer for this movie. Thank god.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Janne Schaffer - Earmeal (1979)
What an album title. And man, if you're into late-70's studio rock, this is the album for you. Not only does it include session work from both Jeff and Mike Porcaro, but it also features their dad, Joe Porcaro, on percussion.
That may not mean much to you, unless you're a hardcore fan of Toto's "Rosanna," in which case you worship those dudes like the coke-huffing gods they were.
Here's "It's Never Too Late." Just listen to those drums. Deep in the pocket.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
the covered wagon - A sweet way to describe giving somebody a wedgie (or a melvin, if that's what you call it) where the undies go up and over the head.
Origin - Immaturity, hilariousness.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I got assaulted while waiting in line for The Avengers."
"Dude, are you OK?"
"Dude, the guy took off his Hulk hands and gave me a full-on wedgie, covered wagon steez."
"Dude, how's the anal bleeding going for you?"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways I'm Preparing for the Upcoming Softball Season:
10. Outfield drills in my front yard where my unsuspecting elderly Korean neighbor is the cutoff man
09. Beating the side of my house with a rusty lead pipe
08. Filing my cleats down so they're as sharp as cheap, brittle plastic can get, B-level Cobb style
07. Sleeping with my oil-drenched glove up my rectum
06. Head-first sliding into bed every night
05. Working on my chatter. How's this? "Con kid you kidder con now con you con team con sports"
04. I filled my backseat with BBQ Corn Nuts
03. Putting on a Pete Rose wig and asking strangers if they "want to get their Fosse on"
02. Eating a heaping handful of Beech-Nut for breakfast every morning
01. Haven't taken my jockstrap off in months
Cancel One Career