05.09.12
Gome of the Week
Please don't suck, please don't suck, please don't suck...
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Cats puking to Deadmau5 - You may have already seen this. If not, check its hilarity.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Escape 2000 (1982)
Yeah, the cover of this tape flat-out rules.
I never shy away from a movie that uses the word "dystopian" to describe itself. In fact, I've watched many a movie for this site that imagines the future as a bleak place where criminals are sent to far-away prisons where a bunch of weird shit goes down. This one hit the jackpot: law-breakers on a deserted island, being hunted for sport.
Escape 2000, aka Turkey Shoot aka Blood Camp Thatcher, is not a very good movie. But, when you've got fat rich dudes in ATVs barely giving their prey a head start before they begin trying to rub them out, you've at least got the makings of a winning formula. One of the more eccentric guys even takes a werewolf-ish circus freak (his words) with him. At one point the freak rips a dude's pinky toe off with his bare hands. Wait - maybe this movie was pretty good.
It's only 80 minutes long, a dude gets shot so hard his whole body explodes, there's a caged-heat shower scene, and the werewolf guy - who wears a suit - gets impaled into a tree by a sporty, modified bulldozer. I take it back: this movie was awesome.
I have to admit: I'd never seen an "Ozploitation" film before, but these Aussies really know how to spit out a mouthful of fake blood before they keel over. And I respect that. They also wield a mean machete.
I was going to explain the plot to this, but I think I kind of already did. Some people get sent to a new-fangled future prison, get the shit kicke out of them, and then think they're being let go, only to find out that some rich guys have paid to bag them a human. It's pretty much just an hour of chasing, exploding arrows, and the occasional bazooka after that. It was a wild ride, and I think I'm glad I got on board.
Here's the trailer. The narration is solid gold.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Silverwind- A Song in the Night (1982)
Got sort of a 1982 thing going on this week, don't I? Well, I like to coordinate.
This is one of those sneaky records where you think it's going to be love songs - hopefully about the weird sex that these three undoubtedly had one drunken night in a Motel 6 - but instead it turns out that they just want to soft-rock for Jesus. More specifically, they want to ABBA for Jesus. Seriously: it's uncanny.
Here's the video for the title track. It's inspirational, creepy, and kind of makes me want to move to a commune. Who's with me?
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
acing it - A sweet way to describe a no-wipe-needed poop-taking session.
Origin - Utopia.
Usage - "Oh, dude. You were in and out of the ol' lav pretty quick."
"Dude, I don't want to brag, but I totally aced it in there."
"Dude, that's a rare occurence. Feel free to kick back and enjoy this moment."
"Dude, I'm going to write a killer blog post about this."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things to Say Right Before You Beat Someone With A Lead Pipe:
10. "Did somebody call a plumber?"
09. "You've made me angry. You might even say I'm 'piping hot.'"
08. "I had to turn off the water to my house just so I could remove this from my basement. I'm pretty tired, but I'm still going to dent your skull."
07. "Pipe down!"
06. "This is my favorite lead pipe. Please try not to get any chunks of brain on it."
05. "Meet Pipey."
04. "You got any pine tar? This lead pipe I'm going to destroy your primary motor cortex with is very slippery."
03. "This is Piper Perabo. You're lucky I left Piper Laurie at home."
02. "Hope you got everything you needed out of your olfactory senses!"
01. "And they said shattering your ribs was just a pipe dream..."
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