04.25.12
Gome of the Week
Steven Adler says he's finally done with Axl. And when Steven Adler says he's done with something, you know he means it.
Godspeed, Ad leezy!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
A Dictionary of Old Hobo Slang - "boil up - to wash clothes and kill any vermin therein." Gold.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans (1991)
The final chapter in the Deathstalker saga brings it all back home, with Rick Hill returning to the role that he made not-really-famous in the first movie, and series writer Howard R. Cohen taking the helm for the first time as director.
So, probably not surprisingly, this one is a lot like the first movie, though a bit more lighthearted and a lot brighter, which I appreciated, because dark scenes don't translate well to 25-year-old VHS, and I spent most of the first film watching blobs enveloped in black swatting at each other and not really comprehending what was happening. So, big shout-out to the well-lit castle and daytime battles in this flick.
Hill is the most oily and roided-out of all the Deathstalkers, and though he's a little older-looking here, he can still grease up his gross veiny torso with the best of 'em. They give him a few choice mid-battle quips here, but as always, I was hoping for more. I got spoiled by Deathstalker II in that department.
The story here is much like the other ones: there's a tournament to see who will be the ultimate sword-dude, and it's being put on in a castle, but not by its rightful owners. Stalker hooks up with a lowly peasant girl (big-nippled Maria Ford), who predictably ends up being the princess who used to live in said castle, and he sets out to right all the wrongs and bang as many broads as possible in the process.
Standing in his way are a couple of creeps who are squatting in the castle, the same folks who are putting on the tournament. Turns out they have ulterior motives, and have spiked the free wine they're offering the combatants (party!) with a poison that turns them all into stone, and then an army of stone dudes who will do the bidding of the female half of the couple, because she's a witch or some shit.
The swordfighting scenes were hilariously awesome as usual, and there was a strong captive-lesbian theme throughout the film that added an always-welcome element of caged heat to the proceedings. They know who their audience is, and I respect that, even though the formula is base-level simple. So: not a bad note to end on.
Overall, here's how I'd rate the Deathstalker movies, from best to worst: II, IV, I, III. Boom.
Check out the trailer here, and enjoy the inflated claims they make about the series' popularity.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Williams & Ree - Buck Fuffalo (197?)
I picked this up at Amoeba a few days ago, and couldn't wait to get it home and hear how these country music comedians spin racist accents with homophobic innuendo into laughs for drunk white people. And they did!
I'm a fan of any private-press LP that was recorded live in a small bar and hasitly edited, so this is actually a treasure to me. And they refer to themselves as "The white guy and the Indian," so that should give you a clue as to just how heady this is. Of course, they're apparently still together, so maybe the joke's on me. Eh, probably not.
Here's some live footage.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
so-old patch - A sweet way to describe an old dude's sad-attempt-to-be-hip facial hair.
Origin - Aging Tom Waits fans.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I met this old dude the other night who told me that he still likes to rock, but he has to keep his hair short for his job where he delivers clean uniforms to bakeries around town."
"Dude, how gray and thick was his so-old patch?"
"Dude, it was salty, peppery, and sprawling out all over his face."
"Dude, that is one sad flavor saver."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Expressions I Saw on Headshots When I Was in L.A. Last Week:
10. The "I'm Feeling Rapey"
09. The "Hope You Like Getting Robbed with a Dill Pickle"
08. The "Urkel"
07. The "I Better Consider Voice Work, Because This Mug Ain't Making It"
06. The "Testicular Vice Grip"
05. The "The Guy in the Lifetime Movie Who Will Get Crazy Murdered in the Third Act So You Can Sleep Tonight"
04. The "Canadian"
03. The "My Parents Pay My Rent"
02. The "Debonair Check Fraud Repeat Offender"
01. The "I'm Lying to My Friends About How Happy I Am Out Here"
Cancel One Career
