04.18.12
Gome of the Week
I no longer wonder if heaven got a Soloflex.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
India Monkey King - My man is spry.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Deep Space (1988)
Fear not: I am definitely going to cover the final chapter of Deathstalker. But, again, I'm at the mercy of the type of people who sell VHS copies of Deathstalker IV on the internet, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that they're not the most prompt group in the world. Anyway.
Instead, I went with the next movie in line: this gem, that would be so much sweeter if it didn't have that gold foil sticker on the front. It also wasn't rewound and is one of those jacked-up movies that rewinds really slow, so I even had to wait 15 minutes just to watch the damn thing. So, with two strikes against me, I finally settled in for some viewage, and when Julie Newmar's name scrolled across the screen, I could feel the ump ringing me up.
Truth be told, this wasn't entirely shitty. Though I will say this: the title of the movie led me to believe - and call me crazy - that this would be a movie that takes place in outer space. It does not. None of it. There's an alien-type-thing in it, and I guess he was in deep space at one point, so maybe that's the angle. But he does not have magic hands that make girls' shoes come off, so I'd chalk the whole cover up as grossly misleading.
Here's the story: these scientists are working on a top-secret military defense project that is highly experimental and so volatile that it must be kept in outer space. Somehow the craft that holds the project falls out of orbit, lands on earth, and turns out to be a super-pissed alien (that looks exactly like the alien from Alien) that starts gutting anyone that it comes across. A couple of gritty cops (Charles "Murdock" Napier and Ron "Who's Up for a Barney Miller TV Movie?" Glass) are sent to investigate the unusual murders, and end up in possession of alien eggs that will soon hatch crab-like, huge insects that are looking to gouge some neck.
Napier is unintentionally hilarious as always, and Julie Newmar as a psychic who predicts the deaths is both unnecessary and really sad, so there were some bright spots here. And, somehow, the alien wasn't ridiculous, special-effects-wise. I enjoyed watching him strangle a hobo.
Here's the trailer, where they show you pretty much all the exciting parts of the movie, aside from Napier trying to bang a chick with his bagpipe skills. Seriously.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Dan Gibson - Solitudes: Environmental Sound Experiences, Vol. 6 (1981)
I feel like maybe I reviewed a different one of the records from this series at some point in the last five years, so apologies if that's the case. But I'm too lazy to look it up.
These records are fantastic. They're not the hippy-dippy, new-age approximations of nature sounds that you get from some shit app on your iPhone. These are recordings made by a dude who sat in a boat with a parabolic microphone while a thunder storm was happening, and they are awesome. He even lists the animals featured in the recordings on the back of the LP. This one contains noises from the Red-Breasted Nuthatch, the Chestnut-Sided Warbler, and even some Spring Peeper Frogs. I am going to loop this shit and just sleep my ass off to it tonight.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
classic material - A sweet way to sarcastically categorize someone's attempt at comedy.
Origin - An Evening at the Improv.
Usage - "Oh, dude. There is a new Expendables sequel coming out."
"Dude, what are they battling this time? Arthritis?"
"Dude, that is classic material. You should take that on the road, maybe see if it flies at the Laugh Shack in Tallahassee"
"Dude, I'm going to do it! Lemme grab my trunk o' props."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Celebrities I Hope to Meet While In L.A. This Week:
10. That "Boom - phone dies" guy from that new Droid commercial so I can bludgeon him with that phone he won't shut the fuck up about
09. Paul Prudhomme so I can ask him if he's Dom Deluise's ghost
08. One o' them talkin' babies from the TV box
07. Pat Sajak, preferably at his house, hopefully in his hot tub
06. Whoever runs out of the E! building while I'm burning it down
05. Anyone from the original cast of Mathnet
04. The Human Ballsack - wait, is that real or did I intensely daydream that?
03. Lou Diamond Phillips and whoever he's a personal assistant for these days
02. Dr. Dre's steroid caddy
01. Michael Ironside, though he's probably shooting six movies over the next three days
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