04.11.12
Gome of the Week
Keep running your mouth, Chevy. If you get canned from Community, I'll be one Chang away from fully enjoying that show.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Forget Your Past - Hoth on Earth.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell (1988)
The second installment of Deathstalkerwas so awesome that I should have known the third movie would pale in comparison. And pale it did, boring style.
In what was probably an attempt to blend the action-y, dramatic tone of the first flim with the tongue-in-cheek, scamptastic lightheartedness of the second, the folks responsible for this one managed to slap together a movie that appeals to, from my best estimation, exactly no one. They even went light on the boobage. Seriously: I'm not sure who this movie's audience is.
The fight scenes were brutally fake, even by Deathstalker standards, with new Deathstalker (the third in as many films) John Allen Nelson swinging his mighty sword with all the gusto of a guy who just got his fight-choreography notes three minutes before the cameras started rolling.
So, we know it's not for people who want to see some semi-believable hand-to-hand combat. It's also not for people who are looking for a story, because this thing meanders purposelessly for a solid 45 minutes in the middle, with Deathstalker just riding his horse and running into people, stopping only briefly to bang a savage local girl who looks like she just got off the Krokus tour bus. And speaking of that, this movie isn't for skin enthusiasts either, because it's got easily the lowest nudity quotient of any of the Deathstalker films so far. And that's a damn shame.
So, who is the target audience for this movie? I dunno: sword-and-sorcery dodes who will watch anything with a cover where a chick in a leopard bikini is kneeling, ready-with-dagger in front of a Conan clone? I guess. Not sure what that says about me, especially considering that I plan to finish this whole thing up with the fourth and final movie in the series. Hopefully next week. There's still time for redemption! Though I'm not holding my breath.
I can't even find a proper trailer for this stinker. But, here's a clip of one of the swordfights, with the MST3K dudes clowning it hard. That's probably better anyway.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Omartian Odyssey - The Musical Journey of Michael and Stormie Omartian (1982)
I grabbed this a few months back based solely on the cover (as I'm known to do), and for some reason I had it in my head that it was going to be some synthed-out, early-80's prog thing, maybe in the style of Tomita.
I was way off. This is more of a Steely-Dan-for-Jesus kind of situation, and I gotta give it up to them. I own a lot of Christian records, but it's usually because the artwork is on the homemade, slapped-together tip. This one bucks the system. Maybe they were trying to actively convert the bong-hit set. I bet it almost worked.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
I'm a Rax man - A sweet way to let people know you have fast-food class.
Origin - The almost-extinct Rax restaurant chain. I used to hit that shit hard in the 80's.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Want to go to Arctic Circle, maybe suck down a few packets of their delectable fry sauce?"
"No dude, I don't think so. That's not my idea of a good time."
"Dude, I'm surprised. You're too good for the Circ, eh?"
"Dude, I thought my monocle would have tipped you off: I'm a Rax man."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Hilarious Comments to Make While Watching Hoarders:
10. "She doesn't seem to have any trouble letting go of her teeth, does she?"
09. "I'd check the expiration date on those Reggie! bars, too. Might still be good."
08. "It takes a very dumb man to develop an emotional attachment to an empty 2-liter of Mt. Dew Code Red."
07. "He seems to be hoarding a lot of food in his stomach."
06. "Unless there's mummified cats under those Big Gulp cups, I'd say this guy's just a slob."
05. "Huh. Maybe I should try sleeping on copies of Consumer Reports from 1983. Looks comfy."
04. "I think this 88-year-old lady who will inevitably suffocate under a pile of old newspapers really has a shot at turning this all around. Her grandson's love can definitely solve this."
03. "Was that a Madball? I think I used to have that one!"
02. "Not sure how they plan to put any of this on eBay when their computer is buried under a mountain of soiled panchos."
01. "This looks like my first apartment!"
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