Gome of the Week
Sandler's planning to Happy Madison the shit out of a Summer School remake.
I balk at updated versions of movies from my childhood all the time, but this is truly the first instance in which I feel my formative years are being assualted - emotionally, physically, and somehow, sexually.
I may press charges.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Japanese Fart Scrolls - My kind of historical document.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Death Chase (1988)
I'm at a standstill with the Deathstalker tetralogy thanks to a less-than-speedy eBay seller, so I figured a Death Chase might be the next best thing. And tell me that's not the most brilliantly nonsensical VHS cover you've seen all week. I watched this entire movie and I couldn't tell you what's going on there. Though I will confirm that both of these people actually appear in the film, so they at least got that right.
And speaking of getting things right, this movie definitely lives up to its title. It's pretty much just wall-to-wall chasing and killing, and that's rendered even more impressive by the shoestring budget they must have been working with: The actors struggle hilariously with even the most basic emotions; all their dialogue is post-production dubbed; and the camera tricks during the action sequences are many.
But, given what they had to work with, this movie was pretty sweet. There are tons of car chases in it, and though they spend most of their time blazing through alleys and mowing down countless heaps of empty cardboard boxes, it all came off as relatively legit. And see that car in the background there? That scene, shockingly, actually takes place in the movie. They roll a couple old beaters, too, and do some high-speed maneuvering through neighborhoods. I'm sure they secured all the proper permits.
Even the story here, though filled with plot holes, is surprisingly un-shitty: This sweet bro watches his sister get shot while they're out for a bike ride, and after he caps one of the dudes who shot her, people start trying to hunt him down because he's got some special gun that's part of a game in which the last person with it gets a bunch of money. It's being run by a group of fat cats in a high-rise who somehow monitor all of it with a rudimentary transmitter implanted in the gun, something that looks like a Risk board, and a fat henchman who oversees all of it, street-level steez.
The main guy (whose last name is Chase, natch) gets hit by a car driven by what we're supposed to consider a beautiful woman, and they team up to figure out what the hell is going on, while trying to avoid getting iced by all these goons that are chasing them down. She's a gun expert who likes to take her top off during high-stress situations, so it works out pretty well.
Couldn't find a trailer for this because it probably doesn't exist, but here's one of the car chases. That Volvo handles!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Goffs - Campmeet'n with The Goffs (196?)
Wow, I bet this family had some dark, dark secrets.
I love old private-press records about Jesus, because they're always the most interesting/creeepy LPs in the bargain bin, without fail.
Case in point: This one has a long narrative on the back about "campmeet'n," which apparently involved a dumptruck full of sawdust, neck-hugging, and secluded areas that make this all seem downright culty. And that's what you hope for.
I listened to one side of this and it will be the soundtrack to my nightmares for the next three weeks.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
release the crappin' - A sweet phrase to utter in anticipation of something sucky.
Origin - EA Sports: He's at the Timbers game.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I've seen The Hunger Games seven times now, but I feel that I'm still not picking up on some of the subtler subtext."
"Dude, you are what is wrong with society."
"Dude, come with me for numero ocho. We can watch it together and then stay up all night while you listen to me run my fat mouth about all the new insight I gleaned."
"Dude, release the crappin'."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things We Can Look Forward To Now That The Weekly Waste Has A Comments Section:
10. Positive ID on those people whose careers are so canceled that you can't even come close to identifying them
09. Icy Hot Stunna?
08. Footnotes from me, excrutiatingly detailing my craft, plus a seven-paragraph literary stroke session on where I get my ideas
07. Hopefully someone posting "firsties," because that shit would be hilarious
06. Me pummeling the "firsties" person with a lead pipe, in front of their chick
05. Suggestion for a Sly Records online dating service called "Sly Singles"
04. Probably some hockey arguments
03. Ideas for the Gome of the Week that I will shoot down immediately
02. Links to a curated collection of C-Dog's most embarrassing Facebook photos
01. Some LOLs, maybe a few scattered ROFLs
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