Gome of the Week
Do not taunt the TMNT fanboys, dode.
Excuse me: mega dode.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Breathtaking Landscapes from Old Books - I could probably do this. I just don't have the time. I'm real busy.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
You might have seen this one before. You probably caught it on cable when you were seven and it gave you nightmares. From the shitty production values! Hiyoooo!
This is some low-budget, heavy-on-the-nudity sorcery, which is how I prefer my sorcery, so this was 80 minutes that I only slightly wanted back. As usual, the cover promised way too much, what with the "awesome magic" claim and the pig-men brandishing their spiky sticks. In the actual flick there was only one of those guys, and he was just a fat dude with a petrified hog face clamped onto his noggin. And his vest wasn't nearly as cool.
As with a lot of these movies where (I'm assuming) they ran out of money and were left to paste together whatever footage they had into the most comprehensible story they could come up with, this film is strangely hard to follow, because you get the vibe that there are huge chunks of the narrative that were eschewed in favor of just finishing the damn thing.
From what I half-assedly gathered, Deathstalker is an oiled-up badass who's looking to restore some balance to his dark, drunk, rapey land, and to do so he has to win a tournament against a bunch of other greasy men and half-men. But before that he bangs some tattered-garbed ladies (including Playboy Playmate of the Year Barbi Benton!) and stabs some guys through the armpit, side view style. Sometimes blood sprays everywhere when this happens. Occasionally he'll also decapitate a dude and send his head rolling. (Director: "OK, throw the dummy head into the shot...NOW! Ooh, nice distance.")
Apparently this movie rode the coattails of Conan the Barbarian to an unexpected level of acclaim from people who were hungry for loin cloths and blatant my-sword-is-bigger-than-yours phallicism, but it also might have had something to do with the fact that boobs are falling out of loosely constructed tops throughout this movie, and they even do a shameless mud wrestling segment. It also may have been a hit with dudes who get turned on by girls trying to thwart unwanted sexual advances from guys with food/mead in their beards, because there's a good smattering of that here, too. What a time to be alive!
Oil yourself up real good and watch the trailer here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Oregon Jazz Band - Saloon Serenade (1978)
Subtitle: "Songs of social significance for sirens, scapegoats, scoundrels and shrews." Nice.
Private-press jazz straight out of Salem, Oregon from the late 70's? I'm in! Well, I don't really care about the "jazz" part, but it'd make me sound cool if I did, right? My favorite part might be how they're clearly facing someone else who's taking a picture. Eh. Make's 'em seem more freewheelin'.
The group was 25 years into their career at this point, and apparently they're still going. No word on the novelty mustaches. Hot cuts include "My Little Bimbo Down on Bamboo Isle," "Wolverine Blues," and "Liver Song."
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Zola Budding - A sweet way to describe going barefoot when you probably shouldn't.
Origin - Budd, Zola.
Usage - "Oh, dude. We're going to go down by the river and walk around on those jagged rocks."
"Wait up dude. I love jagged-rock walking."
"Dude, aren't you going to put on some shoes?"
"Dude, I live for adventure. I'm Zola Budding this one all the way."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things To Do With Your Overheating New iPad:
10. Fry an egg on that sombitch
09. Flip it around and burn the Apple logo into your arm, you insatiable fanboy
08. Add a layer of foil, melt some chocolate chips
07. Put it down your pants and you've got yourself a dongwarmer with full email capabilities
06. Grip it tight, tap the Google app, and search for "my fingerprints melted off just now"
05. Create hilarious tweet about what a "hot" product the new iPad is
04. Patent million-dollar idea: iPad gloves; prepare for your wife to divorce you
03. Put it in your cat's bed - they love warm shit like that
02. Take cool, retro Instagram photo of your skin graft surgery
01. Download the Al Dente app, fill a pot with water, and prepare for the quirkiest dinner party of your life!
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