Gome of the Week
You know what's "detrimental and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization"?

You when you talk.

You should stop.







This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Maddie the Coonhound - A dog standing on stuff.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Dead on Sight (1994)

Beals. Baldwin. Macy?

When I saw William H. Macy's name in the opening credits for this thing I was a little surprised, but I guess he was still a relative up-and-comer (pre-Fargo, basically) back in '94. But he wasn't a nobody... Regardless, even if he was just doing this straight-to-video flick for the paycheck, he still acted circles around Baldwin and Beals, and so did a slumming-it Kurtwood Smith, who looked embarrassed to be sharing screen time with the guy who was, at the time, the lowest-rung Baldwin. (I think Stephen may be the current holder of that distinguished title.)

When a movie starts off showing Daniel Baldwin lecturing a class of graduate students, you go into suspended-disbelief mode pretty quick, and that definitely padded the blow when Beals' character started predicting murders through her dreams. So by the time Baldwin's professor spent two seconds pondering whether or not he should believe her before basing his every move on her nightmares, you just shrug and go with it.

Baldwin plays Caleb, a prof whose wife was brutally murdered years earlier. Beals plays Rebecca, a grad student who has been dreaming weird shit all her life. They connect after she fesses up about her dreams, and Caleb is convinced she can help him catch the dude who offed his wife. There was a conviction, but he's certain they got the wrong guy. From there a series of suspects show up, and though the plot gets a little tangled and fuzzy (on account of the whole dream thing), they actually held this movie together pretty well. The story wasn't the most original thing ever, but I was clueless about the killer until the end. I'm also kind of an idiot.

It helped that Macy and Kurtwood were there to add some legitimacy, because Beals had that "how did I end up here?" look in her eyes for most of it. She'd eventually get out of the rut. Then there's Baldwin... Anyone seen that dude?

Here's the trailer. Prepare yourself for the hilariously creepy narrator.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Fonzettes - The Fonz Party (1976)

I bought a sealed copy of this 36-year-old record for a dollar at Amoeba in Hollywood when I was down there last, and it's been confusing the shit out of me ever since.

It's by no means authorized, yet every single song contains at least 40 variations on the word "Fonzie," and they even sneakily mention Happy Days on the back - "Happy days are here again. Those cool fun times of the fabulous fifties are being relived by young people of all ages everywhere." (Young people of all ages?)

Hot hits from this poorly produced doo-wop-y collection: "Fonzie We Love You," "Fonzie's Taking Over the World," "Fonzie You're Breaking My Heart," "Fonda You Fonzie," "Letter to Fonzie," "Fonzie Stomp," and my favorite, "Funky Fonzie."

Oh, I bet they got shut down hard when this thing came out, ABC legal team style.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
The denied-five back pat - A sweet way to describe that awkward moment when Dude One goes to high-five Dude Two and Dude Two doesn't see it, so Dude One pats Dude Two on the back instead. Also known as the DFBP.

Origin - Dudes everywhere, countless wrestling promos.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Way to deny me the high-five earlier."

"Dude, I didn't even know you were going for it."

"Dude, I know. But I didn't want to make a big deal of it so I went with the denied-five back pat."

"Dude, nice use of the DFBP."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I Would Do If I Was A Wrestling Bad Guy:

10. Tell the ladies to control themselves while I remove my robe to show off my decidedly average physique
09. Take money to sucker-punch a good guy; immediately make clear my allegiance to money, and money alone
08. Tell a dude in the front row to "shut up, fat boy"
07. Act like I'm going to participate in the test of strength but then just use it as an opportunity to cold-cock the other dude while he's wide open
06. Try to win the title. If that doesn't work out, steal that shit
05. Respond to all catcalls from the audience by spinning in circles and screaming "Who said that?"
04. An incredibly pronounced, over-the-top strut
03. Get pinned while the ref is knocked out
02. Find myself a manager who's a deadeye when it comes to tossing a small length of chain
01. Cackle maniacally at every turn

Cancel One Career




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