02.22.12
Gome of the Week
Well internet, you cried and whined loud enough to get a show that was never canceled in the first place back on the air.
Your frantic typery is the stuff of true heroes. Well done.
Now can you get them to kill off Chang?
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
HJ Gloves - I find this (possibly NSFW) video way too funny.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Crazy Six (1997)
Give yourself a second to really take in the ensemble they culled together for this flick. Now what if I told you that Mario Van Peebles also has a significant role in this movie? Yeah, you probably wouldn't be surprised. That dude will do anything.
And so will these guys, if the year is 1997. Actually, you know what? They all will pretty much still take a paycheck wherever they can get it. You see Lowe in that Lifetime movie recently? Dude must be on the verge of getting his kneecaps shattered by some sort of "Where's our money?" organization.
If the cover to this movie looks a little washed out, it's because it's one of those glossy, reflective boxes that the VHS people were keen on in the late 90's. I'm surprised the tape wasn't yellow - they got down like that for a while, too. Anything to spruce up a shit movie.
Sadly, not even a box in which you can see your reflection in Ice-T's forehead could save this thing from being a full-on stinker. Admittedly, I was way too amped up by the prospect of these three nuts working together, so disappointment was in the cards from the beginning. But like a lot of the movies I watch and then tell you about, it wasn't like this movie was poorly made or slapped together, it was just realllllly boring.
Ice-T plays a drug dealer who's barely in it; Reynolds plays a cop who looks like he just treated his leathery mug with some deep conditioning oils; and Lowe - who just flat-out stars in this thing - is wearing a wig and mustache that are so distracting that it's tough to watch him smoke crack for 95 minutes and not chuckle while he's got his lips wrapped firmly around the glass dong.
This movie was directed by the semi-notorious Albert Pyun, and it's one of two movies he made with Ice-T in 1997. Getting it done! Speaking of 1997, this movie reeked of it. Washed-out flourescent club scenes, grainy drug use that is almost glamorous - it had it all. I told my wife I felt like I was watching a feature-length Garbage video. And we laughed.
I'm not even going to bother rehashing the story on this one because it hardly made sense and I barely understood the stuff that I could follow. Peebles plays a French pimp who carries around a little miniature dog. I can tell you that.
Maybe the trailer can tell you some more. Probably not.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Innsiders - On Top of the World (1977)
Hey, how are you chaps going to perform your distinct renditions of barbershop classics from a hot air balloon orbiting around the earth? Don't you need oxygen? No, they don't. They're just that good.
You don't see a lot of barbershop quartets these days, but you sure see a lot of discarded barbershop albums in budget bins. Yes, it's just not the annoying commodity it used to be.
Is it ironic that these guys are in a barbershop quartet and they all have strikingly blatant combovers? Yeah, I don't know. But I do know that "Keep Your Sunny Side Up" gets me pepped up and ready to go every morning. Thanks, you harmonizing goons!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
totes inappropes - A sweet way to describe something as inappropriate.
Origin - Gals.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm going out on a hot date tonight."
"Dude, you should bring her back here when she's drunk and let me give her the double-eye blinky."
"Dude, that is totes inappropes."
"Dude, should I take that as a no?"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Names for My Polite, Responsible Black Metal Band:
10. Goatpetter
09. Babysitter
08.
Skullcradler
07. Blooddonor
06. Rapepreventer
05. Bladeholster
04. Winterenjoyer
03. Satanhugger
02. Corpseleaveraloner
01. Christianity4everer
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