01.18.12
Gome of the Week
Little pitchy, dawg.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Visual Representations of 15 Overused Movie Clichés - This is the kind of thing I would put together if I didn't have a job.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Backstreet Justice (1994)
Linda Kozlowski made nine films in her career, and three of them had the words "Crocodile Dundee" in the title. This is one of the ones that makes up the other two-thirds of her illustrious résumé, and if that mom-jeans/braless-wife-beater combo tells us anything, it's that a gritty, hardscrabble thirty-something lady is tired of being pushed around, but she's not too tired to look a little bit skanky as she exacts revenge on low-lifes.
I stopped caring about the story in this movie at about the twenty-minute mark, but I can tell you that she plays a private detective who's on the trail of a smalltown serial killer, much to the displeasure of the cops and some of the more testosterone-fueled locals. Her sleuthiness leads her down some dark alleyways, and occasionally onto a fire escape. Then she usually goes to the roof and jumps across a few buildings. You know how it goes.
Paul Sorvino plays a dickhead cop who doesn't like Keri (that's her name) very much, and he phones-in his performance in this thing like you wouldn't believe. Pretty sure I heard a kid feeding him his lines from under his cop desk.
Not sure what Hector Elizondo was doing in this either. Gambling debts? It's a possibility. He stood out as the only one trying in this movie (aside from Kozlowski, who tried way too hard), and you've got to hand it to the guy: he's a real professional, even when he's given material that is the literary equivalent of butt juice.
Keri has a black dude partner in this flick, and her attempts at playful razzing miss the mark and instead get severely racist. In one of the first scenes the guy apologizes for being late and she says, "What? Did you walk by a watermelon stand you couldn't resist?" Later she calls him "Uncle Remus." Seriously.
Anyway, there ends up being a bunch of dirty cops and double-crossing and stuff like that. Kozlowski also runs around braless for most of the movie, so that was something. And she kicks a lot. She's not very good at it, but she'll get you in the lower thigh if you're not careful.
Check out the trailer here. It's very dramatic.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Leroy Holmes Singers - I'm a Fan (1972)
I'm not sure I understand what this record is, but the cover was too fantastic to pass up, so here we are. If you can't tell, that dude is drinking PBR with an ashtray next to him and an empty jug of wine on the floor. He's also cheering and yelling at a blank TV screen.
These songs are listed as being from "The Alexander H. Cohen TV Production," and though it seems like that sentence should go on, it doesn't.
These are "hilarious" songs about sports, including "Dump the Ump," which talks about how umps are just shitty players who couldn't make it. Zing! There are also some songs about hockey and golf, as well as a tune about how sweet half-time is because it's when someone has to carry you to get food because you're too hammered to do it yourself. Sports!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
shirtcocking - A sweet way to describe when a dude wears a shirt and nothing else.
Origin - Hilarious dudes throughout time.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm going on my third date with this girl tonight."
"Dude, you guys are hitting it off, huh?"
"Dude, I think tonight might be the night that I do a little light shirtcocking in front of her."
"Dude, this is a big moment. Congrats."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Will Demand From A Stewardess During My Flight Tomorrow:
10. A bottle of vanilla-orange Orbitz
09. A little fucking respect
08. That they sit on my lap and play backgammon with me
07. A hot bag of nuts
06. That they laugh at my hilarious "I'm going to hijack this plane" bits
05. A non-abrasive cloth with which to polish my Fleshlight
04. A towel hot enough to burn my fingerprints off
03. A pillow so I can snuff out the chatty old lady next to me
02. Good & Plentys that I will whip at children
01. That they pull down on the oxygen mask thingy like they mean it
Cancel One Career
