01.11.12

Gome of the Week
Anybody want to get together and not watch this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Clipart Covers - Why didn't you think of this?

 

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Arrival (1991)

Five years before Charlie Sheen and his struggling career would grow a goatee and offer up the more widely recognized film known as The Arrival, director David Schmoeller would follow up his cult hit Puppetmaster with this one, an alien/vampire/Benjamin Buttons-type thing that was all kinds of twenty minutes too long.

And that's too bad, because the story here had some real potential. A meteor crashes on a family farm (welcome to the first scene in at least 25% of these movies), infects the 73-year-old grandpa that lives with his daughter, her husband, and their son, and kills him. For like six minutes. Then he wakes up on the slab in the morgue and immediately starts feeling better. He also feels like enjoying a nice, cool glass of human blood.

So what? An elderly dude with a taste for blood. What's he gonna do - saunter over in his walker and start gumming your neck? I'm glad you asked. Turns out this meteor has not only began to rapidly reverse his aging, but it has also somehow made him able to get shot repeatedly and not really give a shit about it. So I guess it's more of a Terminator/Benjamin Buttons situation. Although he's not a robot... And it's not like Superman because the bullets actually go through him. But he doesn't bleed... I don't know. What I do know is that eventually the old dude is like 23 years old, has iced seven ladies on a cross-country killing spree, and left them all bloodless and neckless.

Enter John Saxon, who - and brace yourself for this - plays a cop, and the chase is on. He and his crew eventually figure out that Max (the formerly old dude) only sucks dry those ladies who are halfway through their menstrual cycle (this is where it started derailing), and if they can just get some estrogen in him, they think he'll be rendered powerless. Shit gets entirely unbearable after that, especially when they try to drum up this love story from his previous old-dude existence. I enjoyed watching the FBI pump countless rounds into him.

These movies are supposed to be 90 minutes long. Maybe 93. This one clocked in at a mean 107. Somebody was feeling a little cocky after that Puppetmaster windfall, eh? Always good to see John Saxon, though. It had been a few weeks. And the dude who plays Herman in Scrooged was in it for a few minutes. That also happens in about 25% of these movies.

Check out the slightly NSFW trailer here, where it's going by its other name, The Unwelcomed.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Billy "Crash" Craddock - Billy "Crash" Craddock (1978)

Crash, coming with the mid-career self-titled LP. Bold move. Of course, it was his second eponymous album (his first was released 15 years earlier), but you can't really blame the guy because this was one of four albums he put out in 1978, so the original-idea well was probably running pretty dry at this point.

Maybe that would also explain the asstastic cover art, which wouldn't seem weird at all if this wasn't a full-on Capitol Records product.

Crash enjoys him some Elvis (can you tell?), and this record features his mellow country version of "Jailhouse Rock," which is painful to listen to. Also painful: the lead single from this disc, the infidelity anthem "I Cheated on a Good Woman's Love." Yee haw?

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
silverbacking - A sweet way to describe ripping a dude's face off.

Origin - A friend of mine. He threatened a pal of his with this, telling him that he would do to him what silverback gorillas do to people who try to keep them as pets. Face rip!

Usage - "Oh, dude. Sorry. I think I just got fudge on a whole pile of your records. I was eating a lot of fudge earlier."

"Dude, you should come a little bit closer after I set up this camera and point it at you."

"Dude, why?"

"Because, dude. I am going to film myself silverbacking you and post it on the internet as a warning to fudge-fingers everywhere. It's gonna be sweet, dude."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Best Scenes In Work It, A Show I Have Not Seen:

10. When they go bra shopping and talk about how they don't know how women don't play with these things all day
09. When they shave their legs using various apparati, all which hurt a lot and cause hilarity
08. The first trip into the ladies room/infatuation with the tampon machine
07. That part where they give their first blowy
06. Eyebrow plucking with a pair of vice grips
05. Drinking beer in high heels - I mean come on!
04. That "Is this what girls talk about when men aren't around?" moment - classic!
03. Almost getting busted by their wives while waxing each other's taints
02. Getting hit on by their boss - what a louse!
01. That awkward moment when the big dude at the bar says he wants to take them out to his car and "hit it raw dog"

 

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