01.04.12
Gome of the Week
Man, Poehler really took her character from Spring Breakdown to heart.
You keep partyin', girl!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Stanley Kubrick's New York - Is there anything this weirdo wasn't good at?
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
An American Summer (1990)
At the beginning of this movie they make a point to let you know that it all takes place during the late 70's, but as you can see from the neon-yellow boom box over there, they don't really stick with it. Kids are riding T&C surfboards, wearing fake Ray-Bans...it's a whole situation. Was I wrong to expect more from a coming-of-age story starring Brian Austin Green, Joanna Kerns, and the kid who played Winnie's boyfriend Kirk on The Wonder Years?
I was afraid this was going to be a wholesome family film before I noticed the PG-13 rating, because the cover looks vaguely Hallmark-y. Turns out it's just a shitty attempt at reworking The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn for the surf crowd. Didn't see that coming, did you? Neither did I. One minute these kids are talking about pulling chicks, the next they're watching a drug dealer knife a deadbeat who owes him money. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Tom (MIchael "Kirk 'I"m fingering Winnie' McCray" Landes) gets sent from the Midwest to L.A. for the summer, to live with his hippie aunt (Kerns) while his parents get divorced. It's a real fish-out-of-water story - you know, the kind where a prepubescent (but somehow 17 in real life) Brian Austin Green (his name's Finn, natch) befriends our hero, sets him up with a job, introduces him to some tail, and then stands next to him while they watch a slack-jawed rat get gutted. It's confusing stuff.
Tom learns to surf well enough to enter a contest within the span of a month, which he opts to participate in instead of going into protective custody after it's revealed that the guy who killed a dude in front of him (and saw him) is loose and out for revenge. Hey bro: surf's up.
Of course, it all leads to an abandoned-mine showdown with the murderer (seriously), where Tom ends his magical summer by putting a pickaxe through the back of the dude's skull (seriously). Whoah Tom, you're growing up too fast!
Check out the slightly homoerotic trailer here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Snelling and Snelling - A Rare Opportunity for the Spirited Individual Who Dreams of Independence, Reported by Chet Huntley (1968)
If Chet Huntley's floating head tells us one thing, it's that he's going to come out of the sky when you least expect it, swoop down, steal your children, and then eat you in front of them.
But if he tells us two things, then the second is that "Now is the time to invest in a Professional Employment Service franchise!" I have no idea what you're talking about Huntley, but I'm glad this record came with all the original inserts and weird workbooks, because I like to see how society took advantage of desperate weirdoes 40 years ago. You just keep hoverin', Chet.
Did you see that one bird and how he's not caged like the other ones? He represents independence.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
patented butt-gut technology - A sweet way to describe how someone uses their front-butt to their advantage.
Origin - High-waisted action slacks.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Did you see that guy bounce those muggers off with his front butt?"
"Dude, he must be some kind of superhero."
"Dude, he's clearly in possession of some patented butt-gut technology."
"Dude, maybe he's one of those scientist superheroes. That's pretty boss."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Will Do To Improve Myself in 2012:
10. Stop smoking cigars in the shower
09. Freebase the cocaine; it's much more pure that way
08. Get an old-guy mohawk so people feel sorry for me and give me stuff
07. Remove four of my taint piercings - I'm not a kid anymore
06. Go to a real doctor instead of that guy with a trash-can lid full of pills who hangs out behind Wendy's
05. Knock out some wind sprints before I beat my dog with soggy firewood
04. Get my "Bumfights" forehead tattoo removed
03. Three words: Capri Sun enemas
02. Get one o' them minidisc players
01. Bulldog you in front of your chick - you know, for inspiration
Cancel One Career
