Gome of the Week
A Portland woman who was 39 weeks pregnant and didn't realize it gave birth to a baby this week.

Is there any chance that that baby won't grow up to be President?







This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
What It Looks Like Inside Amazon.com - Chaos. But it'd be pretty sweet if they shot the final scene of an action movie there.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Lola's Game (1998)

Can you believe this isn't porn? The cover is just tailor-made to have Peter North's name on it. And instead we get Joe Estevez, who has parlayed his Martin Sheen-ness into many, many nominal paychecks. His brother must hate him. I know I do.

Yes, this isn't porn-porn, but as you may have guessed, there's plenty of boobage in it. In fact, there are random strip club scenes that have no bearing on the plot, don't feature any of the main characters, and just seem to show up every once in a while for no good reason.

My theory is that they needed to pad out the 82-minute running time on this thing, and since the main dude literally bangs every chick in the movie except one who dies in a fiery car crash, they figured they'd throw in some more skin for good measure. Fair enough.

This marks the first movie I've watched that has no user reviews (not even any star ratings) on IMDb. A rarity! It also marks the first time in recent memorty that I've watched a video where they showed the preview for the movie before the actual movie. You know, just in case you weren't all the way in yet. Also, all six of the previews before the feature contained nudity. A benchmark of quality.

The story here involves a cop who bangs some skank and then she ends up dead and he gets wrapped up with some drug dudes and bangs their wives and most of it takes place in a rock club, which is the best part. There is nothing finer than concert scenes in shitty movies where people are going wild over a fake band that sucks ballz. And this was the late 90's, so it was an especially rough time. The bands in this flick were all female-fronted and all on some Letters to Cleo shit.

Check out the NSFW trailer here, and prepare to rock.




This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The McKenzie River Band - I Wanna Know Your Name! (1986)

Private press records are always good, but when they're by Portland bands from 25 years ago, they're even better.

These guys do a pop-country sort of thing that was mainstream-ready, and the fact that their bass player is rockin' his shit above the belt buckle and refused to take it off for the photo shoot is a good sign. I can only assume that they brought the house down at the Starry Night back in the day. And if you're not from Portland, that will make no sense to you.

Check out a rare live vid of the title track here.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
napthalene - A sweet way to describe a nap where you expel multiple, rancid farts in your sleep.

Origin - Pure science.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Sorry about your guest room. You may want to open the windows in there."

"Dude, what happened?"

"Dude, I just took a hot, sweaty napthalene in there, and the paint may be peeling off the walls."

"Dude, weak."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I Did At Wal-Mart on Black Friday:

10. Lined up at midnight, offered all other people in line cocoa laced with rat poison
09. Knocked a dude out of his wheelchair to get a hot deal on bendy straws
08. Used a waffle maker as a foreign object and came off the top of a soda machine with that shizz
07. The standard: removed my shirt, asked if anyone wanted to fight me
06. Pummeled a fat guy with his own Rascal; left him for dead
05. Put a little Russian girl in a sleeper and buried her under bags of fun-size Snickers
04. Kept talking about my "wheel man" while using the elderly as human shields
03. Faked a heart attack while my partner in crime snatched up a gang of Magic Bullets
02. Unleashed a flurry of Gobstoppers on the floor; sent 30 to the hospital
01. Killed a cop when he asked to see my receipt

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