Gome of the Week
I bet this Kohl's "Friday" campaign seemed like a great idea about six months ago.
Little did they know how many old wounds they would reopen.
Just when we thought we were safe, etc.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
India Talent Show - Warriors of Goja - At this point I think we're less than a decade away from The Running Man becoming a reality.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Hollywood Vice Squad (1986)
Before Penelope Spheeris delivered her '87-'88 1-2 punch of Dudes and The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, she took to the streets of Los Angeles (I guess that could be said about pretty much any of her movies), making a flick about undercover cops and apparently catching Carrie Fisher when she was hard up for blow money.
If that cover looks a little wide to you, it's because this vid is housed in what we in the VHS game like to call a "porn box" - an oversized flimsy cardboard box with poorly designed flaps that contains a plastic shell that holds the tape. Extravagant. And for some reason, VHS porn always came in boxes like these. So there you go. Pretty sweet cover, though.
If you guessed that Carrie Fisher isn't in this movie very much, you're finally figuring out the sham that is film-studio packaging, and I'm very proud of you. She plays an undercover cop who doesn't seem to get a lot of respect from her male colleauges, and then she knocks some perp out and gains a bit of credibility, and then just kind of disappears. I'm assuming the check cleared and she was outta there.
Speaking of star power: when you need someone to play an oily, chain-smoking dirtbag who's head of an escort service, your go-to man is obviously Frank "Stop Calling Me 'Riddler'" Gorshin, who does a fine job of getting a young Robin Wright (in her first movie role) to bang old dudes for heroin. It's touching.
Ronny Cox plays a police captain, which he does in every single movie I've ever seen him in, and Joey Travolta plays a guy who uses his last name to get paid SAG minimum.
This movie's kind of all over the place, but it's basically the story of the dirty underbelly of the sex trade in LA and covers prostitution, trannies, and underage S&M porno. A real inspirational tale. Robin Wright plays the epitome of crushed-dreams Hollwood, a girl who moves to LA to become an actress and within three weeks is chugging old-dude wang to get her fix. Her mom comes to Hollywood to track her down, and while the cops are looking for her, they discover that Gorshin might not be keeping his stable of skanks on the level. And then Joey Travolta puts on some tight jeans and white sneakers and kicks some dudes. It was pretty good.
Get yo' trailer on here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Stan Galli and the Stuff Brothers - Live (197?)
Oh, this record makes me uncomfortable. Part oldies-rock cover band and part comedy act, this trio segues seamlessly from Buddy Holly covers to severely racist tracks like "Shutupa You Face," where the vocalist does an impression of a guy from "old Italy" and uses the word "wop" repeatedly.
In the midst of "Delilah," they introduce a Chinese character who actually says "ah, so" and then proceeds to sing the song as "De-ri-rah." Edgy stuff!
Then they bring the house down with "OB-GYN," a song featuring the character "Dr. Rooter," a perv who enjoys his work and isn't afraid to say a bunch of creepy shit about it, like how he spends all day "in there." Hilarious!
I would wear the shit out of one of those suits, though.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
going full Croce - A sweet way to classify the Croce-esque extent of one's mustache.
Usage - "Oh, dude. My once-wispy upper-lip hair is now more thick and lustrous than ever."
"Dude, indeed. It is quite impressive. What's your plan?"
"Dude, I'm pulling out all the stops and going full Croce"
"Dude, I would expect nothing less. Croce away."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Sentences to Get the Conversation Ball Rolling at Thanksgiving Dinner:
10. "Hey guys: what's the deal with butt juice?"
09. "I'm thinking about growing me a C. Everett Koop beard. Anyone got a problem with that?"
08. "I have a feeling that Katherine Heigl is going to get snubbed by the Oscar committee. AGAIN."
07. "Never have I had such tender gristle. What's your secret?"
06. "Anyone mind if I strip down to my vintage underoos?"
05. "Pass the I'm gay. I mean gravy."
04. "Online petitions are just a tool for placating wound-up idiots, grandma."
03. "Can someone loosen my belt? No, the one around my neck."
02. "I'm taking leftovers whether you offer them or not. In fact, my fanny pack is already stuffed to the gills with yams."
01. "I don't think there's any NASCAR on today. Mind if I pay the kids a nickel each to do laps around dinner table until there's a head-on collision?"
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