09.21.11

Gome of the Week
Tom Sizemore was arrested yesterday, "after he got caught up in a police investigation unrelated to him."

You've still got it, Tommy boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Bon Rappetite - I believe I'll have the Mushroom RZAotto. (Thanks for the link, Fargo.)

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Abducted (1986)

Rarely do you see a movie that features a "contains no nudity" disclaimer on the back of the box, but once again, the good people at Prism have gone against the grain. However, that statement is preceded by "suitable for broadcast in all media," which I clearly don't understand, because this flick featured plenty of swearing, lots of rapey vibes, and 45 minutes of a Deliverance reject dragging a girl through the woods on a leash. Not exactly Movie of the Week material.

They waste no time getting into it: the first scene in this thing is a girl jogging, and by the time the skimpy credits wrap up, she's got a rope around her neck and is being hauled into the deep woods by a dark-shaded dude with a patchy beard.

After some feeble escape attempts and a miniscule amount of backstory (she's a student on her college's cross-country team; his name's Vern and he'd like to sexually assault her when the time is right), they find their way to his cabin, where Vern ties her to the bed and heads out to fetch some vittles for dinner.

He comes back, makes her skin the rabbits he nabbed, torches the bunny meat over a fire, feeds it to her off the end of his Bowie knife, and then rolls around on top of her until he nuts in his pants. (if it hasn't become clear already, I'll cut through the subtext for you: this is a perfect first-date movie. Wall-to-wall romance.)

It was at this point that I really began wondering when the hell top-billed Dan Haggerty was going to show up. He eventually does, explaining that he's Vern's father, and that Vern is crazy, and that he's really sorry, and that they'll get her back to civilization the next day.

Their long trip home is interrupted by some helicopter hunters, who Renee (that's the abductee) tries to flag down, only to get one of them shot by Vern. Then Vern bludgeons his dad, takes off with Renee, and the leash goes back on. She manages to escape again, and just when Vern catches up to her and is ready to shoot her, ol' Haggerty returns and ices his own son. Then Renee walks off, in her undies, without even saying thank you. What a brat.

Can't find a trailer, but here's a clip of the part where Haggerty shows up. Quality Vern here. And would you believe this thing warranted a sequel where Vern comes back from the dead and Haggerty pals around with Jan Michael Vincent? Because it sure did.

 

 

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Billy Vaughn - The Windmills of Your Mind (1969)

Man, I was way off on this one. I saw some Barbarella-ish futuristic sideboob and a rock-perched scuba diver taking a knee, and I figured I was in for some serious mind-bendery. Instead, I got some standard-band versions of theme songs from popular movies of the '60's.

"Time of the Season"? "Wichita Lineman"? "Glad She's a Woman"? I can't do psychedelic drugs to this! Or can I...?

No, I really don't think I can.

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
[citation needed] - A sweet way to ask someone to prove their dubious claims.

Origin - Wikipedia articles with too many cooks in the kitchen.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Is there any chance this upcoming Coldplay record will not revolutionize music as we know it?"

"Dude, I would say there is a great chance of that."

"Dude, anybody who knows anything about music would agree: Coldplay is the most important rock band of the last 50 years."

"Dude, [citation needed].

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Raising a Troubled Teen:

10. He's counting down the days until the premiere of the new Charlie's Angels TV show
09. His favorite meal after a hard day of junior high: red wine with fish
08. Insists he's just holding the collection of Wayans Bros.-starring DVDs for a friend
07. Keeps asking where he might be able to meet local Angela Lansbury types
06. His favorite video game is an old Encyclopedia Britannica CD-ROM he fished out of a dumpster
05. Constantly rocks white pants after Labor Day
04. Constructing a time machine so he can go back and see P.M. Dawn in their prime
03. You walked in on him masturbating to Popular Mechanics
02. He keeps saying things like, "Don't count the Mariners out"
01. The kid's always leaving the stickers on his fitted caps

 

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