Gome of the Week
Lou Reed is calling his collaboration with Metallica "the best thing I ever did."
I haven't heard it, but Lou: you're way off, man.
Also: I'm adding this to endless stack of photos of Lars Ulrich that make me want to punch him really hard.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
A History of Birdman Rubbing his Hands Together in Music Videos - I find this endlessly hilarious for some reason.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
IMDb is showing a 1990 date for this flick, but the box on my copy clearly says 1988, so I'm going with that. And when you're talking about a movie of this quality, you're going to want to get your facts straight.
Quick aside: Was Troy Donahue in trouble with the IRS in the late 80's? I know the guy was no longer a star, but between his brief and creepy roles in both this and Nudity Required, he was one step away from MCing cock fights. Anyway.
I had planned on watching a low-budget horror film called Slime City, but the tape didn't work. So, I opted for this low-budget, self-described "sexy comedy," which ended up being neither of those things.
But, I still enjoyed it. The lead gal on the cover there does a dicey Marilyn Monroe impression for the full 90 minutes, during which time she marries dudes with money, finds ways for them to die, and cashes in. She's helped by two assistants, and all of three of them do the ol' break-the-fourth-wall thing and talk to the camera like it's a theater audience, which must have gone over great during the private screening before this thing went straight to VHS.
Ivy (the lead girl) isn't too careful about covering her tracks, and it isn't long before three sisters - daughters of one of the old guys - who got screwed out of their inheritance come after her, usually shirtless for some reason. Ivy unintentionally foils their murder plots, which leads to topless hilarity and more old-guy offings.
Ivy eventually meets a man her age who she falls for, and in the twist of all twists, he's a male version of her, and he's trying to get her money. What are the odds? The final scene in the movie takes place at their wedding, where they're both trying to kill each other while the sisters are trying to kill Ivy and everyone really makes a point of showing just how shitty at acting they are. But when your cast is comprised of porn stars (I'm looking at you, Veronica Hart and Randy Spears) and a bunch of people whose only other credits were in movies by this same director (of which there are many), what do you expect?
I expected 90 minutes of awesomely terrible dialogue and lots of boobs. And that's what I got.
Can't find a trailer, but here's a slightly NSFW clip that'll make you feel uncomfortable.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Delta Steamers - The First Album (1982)
Tell me that's not one of the greatest LP covers you've ever seen. Not to mention the band name, which is equally enjoyable.
This is your basic throwback rag-timey sort of situation, and it sounds good to me, but my experience with this kind of music consists of hearing Leon Redbone a couple times, so I'm no expert.
From the nutty bios on the back: "Ed's unique style of playing grew out of some stuff he found living in the back of his refrigerator which, sadly, has since been chiseled away by the Board of Health." Cards, these guys. All of them cards.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
B.I.T. - A sweet way to classify a buzzard in training. The kind of guy you see riding a girl's BMX bike with a jug of Carlo Rossi in the flowery basket hooked to the handlebars.
Origin - Young buzzards.
Basically, this guy:
Before he turns into this guy:
Usage - "Oh, dude. I saw a rare shirtless buzzard at the convenience store today. He was eyeing the jerky pretty hard."
"Dude, a grizzled old buzzard?"
"No dude, a certifiable B.I.T."
"Would you call him the Notorious B.I.T., dude?"
"Dude, I might."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs Your Band is About to Break Up:
10. At your last practice, the drummer demanded a "Beth"-type ballad for him to croon mid-set or he was "fucking out of here, man"
09. Vocalist spends much of his between-song banter on the subject of how he can't stop banging the bassist's wife
08. Your soundman's favorite phrase: "I've done all I can"
07. Band meetings consist of round-robin arm wrestling challenges and a lot of crying
06. Everyone's getting a little sick and tired of the guitar player's "My kid's got leukemia" routine
05. Bass player and drummer lock in the rhythm and then violently argue over who chugs more ballsack
04. 13-year-old kid playing keyboards keeps asking when he's going to get to finger a groupie
03. When it comes to stage attire, there seems to be no common ground between studded jockstraps and a Hawaiian shirt, trop-rock angle
02. Members of Fleetwood Mac have agreed to offer interpersonal communication tips
01. Dave Navarro says he's greased up and ready to rock
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