07.06.11
Gome of the Week
"Your honor, if it may please the court, my sweet bro and I are really in need of a paycheck, and if you could grant us a three-week stay of cancellation, we could each purchase a jet-ski, and that would be awesome. I rest my case."
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Super Mario Chucks - Sixth-grade me wants these sooo bad.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Tough and Deadly (1994)
Piper. Blanks. Extreme face-kickery.
I always forget that Billy Blanks tried his hand at action-movie stardom back in the 90's. It's no surprise: the dude has the look, the skills, and the slight pre-movie fame that straight-to-video action stars are made of. He also has minimal acting skills, so he's tailor-made for a flick that substitutes dialogue for jaw-shattering mouth kicks.
Piper, on the other hand, can talk a mean streak, and is a natural actor. And when it comes to kicking, he's no slouch. He's more a of a chest-kicker than a forehead-kicker, but make no mistake: he will kick you.
I was hoping Piper would have more hilarious post-kicking commentary in this movie, though he did have a few choice asides. But this thing was obsessed with high-speed beatdown sequences, so there was rarely time for Hot Rod to whip out his trademark wit. A damn shame, because he killed, maimed, or otherwise brutally assualted at least forty dudes in this movie, and there was ample room for him to add insult to injury. T'was not to be.
What was to be was a neverending flurry of spin-kicks from Billy Blanks. Dude was making me dizzy. Just one after the other. So many noses exploded. So many chins reduced to shards of bone. We get it dude: your leg goes really high and you can do the splits and shit. Show me what else you got.
Thankfully he did. It was a non-spinning kick by Blanks that was the highlight of the entire film. He's being driven down a long stretch of road in the backseat of a car, ostensibly unconscious after being drugged by the three hooligans in the car with him. Just as the "doctor" in the backseat next to him is about to administer another syringe full of knockout juice, Banks springs to action, punching the doc into the window. From there, he kicks the guy in the passenger seat (Blanks is behind the driver, by the way) so hard that he flies through the winshield, over the hood of the car, and onto the road, where he is run over and killed by the very car he just got kicked out of. Now that's some sweet kickin'.
Guess I never got to the plot on this one. Eh, Blanks is a CIA guy with amnesia, and Jackie Childs from Seinfeld is trying to double-cross him. Piper's a skip tracer. They hook up through a convoluted story that doesn't make any sense and then they start kicking people. There you go.
Here's the trailer. Keep your eyes peeled for the part with the kicking.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Chip Taylor and Dennis Wholey - The Hardly Worthit Report (1966)
Taking a page out of the Vaughn Meader book of political humor, these guys do a topical radio-news type show that name-drops many prominent figures at the time, most of whom I have not heard of, though the crowd guffaws, so I guess it must have been hiarious.
I listened to the first sketch, which was about The Beatles and the Pope visiting NYC on the same day, and there's confusion because they're both popular and the Pope's name is Paul and so is one of the Beatles'. Oh, the comedy. Too bad I didn't stick around for "Lone Ranger Press Conference" or "White House Bar Mitzvah." Edgy!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
breathing like Tony Soprano - A sweet way to describe someone who breathes really heavily through their nose.
Origin - I heard Louis C.K. say it on a talk show. Also, this.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Are you a little winded?"
"Nope, dude, just keeping my mouth shut while I contemplate how terribly out of shape I am."
"Dude, you're breathing like Tony Soprano right now."
"Dude, he's a powerful man. I choose to take that as a compliment."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten New Things I Want To Try At My New Gym:
10. Completing a pull-up so I can no longer be that guy who is always trying to complete a pull-up but not even really coming close
09. That program where they verbally berate you for 45 minutes in front of everyone but if you make it through it they give you a bunch of really awesome steroids
08. Steroids
07. The complimentary back-shaving service
06. Beating an elderly guy at handball in front of his chick
05. The chalky protein shake that lets you know it's working by giving you festive, pearly-white asspiss
04. Looking at dudes in the mirror while I'm doing barbell curls and whispering, "you wanna blow some rails of Hydroxy-Cut?"
03. Not crying while running
02. Asking the greasy guys what kind of guy grease they use to get so greasy
01. Yelling "It burns!" after every deep knee bend
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