Gome of the Week
I was going to do a way-late post about what an incredible dumbass Tracy Morgan is (and always has been), but then he threw me back into topical mode when this past weekend he took on the mentally challenged with his trademark wit, candor, and idiocy.
But, in his defense, it's as good as any of his jokes have ever been. So at least he's consistent.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Flattophitop! - Sweet scans from a classic shoe era. Very few of you will care about this.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
If you're like me, you've probably laid awake at night, staring at the ceiling, asking yourself the hard questions. Like, what if somebody were brave enough to blend the blood-soaked bar-brawlitude of Road House with the classic young-girl rail-ridery of The Journey of Natty Gann? Well, the answer's been right in front of our faces for twenty-some years, and it comes bearing one of the most poorly put-together covers I've ever seen.
I don't know if it's Ventura's carefully sculpted treasure trail that's most disturbing, or the fact that these guys don't seem to be in the same room with each other. Maybe it's that the guy on the right, one of the stars of the movie, has a beard through the entire film and considerably longer hair. Yes, this is post-production at its laziest. Which is funny, because - and I'm not kidding - this movie doesn't fall prey to many other low-budget pitfalls.
I watched this one because Abraxas from last week had me in a Ventura frame of mind, so I was a little disappointed when he didn't show up in this thing until the last 15 minutes. But, he hammed it up huge, so the wait, predictably, was worth it.
Casey (played by Margaret Langrick of Harry and the Hendersons fame) is a hobo-camp hustler who poses as a boy to more effectively grift the shit out of wined-up buzzards. She befriends a bare-knuckled fighter who's new to train-riding life, and after she's exposed as a girl, he saves her from a gang of bean-soaked marks who feel that sexual assualt would be proper restitution for the money they lost. Yikes.
Casey latches onto "Bird," becoming his manager, and the two set off on a series of adventures that find Bird pummeling dudes in bars, drinking all the bourbon in those bars, and admitting that he can't swim. Or read. Or stop himself from chugging booze anytime he's not passed out. Apparently this explains why he can get his skull thumped on repeatedly and not die with blood coming out of his head holes.
Their plan is to go to New Orleans, where he will fight "The Man," a guy who pays you a ton of money if you beat him in a fight. But this isn't one o' them pussy-ass bar rumbles. It's a fight to the death. If you win, you're rich. If you lose, he has one of his henchman dispose of your corpse. "The Man," of course, is Ventura, and with all the build-up to the final fight, I was hoping for a more explosive tussle, but it wasn't too great.
Anyway, he ends up beating "The Man," though he won't kill him, so they don't get the money. But, they have each other, because during a few awkward scenes they fall in love. (They make sure to let you know early on that she is indeed 18.) As the credits roll, they set out on a new journey: the quest for buoyant literacy.
Check the trailer here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Barbara Markay - "It's Allrite to Fuck All Nite" (1979)
Last week, I got a gift certificate to a record store I'd never been to before. It was there that I unearthed this gem, a 12" single that initially didn't look like much to me, but when I caught the title of the song on that blue circle on the front there (not a sticker, btw - just part of the cover), I couldn't resist.
This is indeed a six-and-a-half minute disco tune (in case they didn't make the genre clear on the art) that repeats the title refrain, along with "It's OK to suck all day," many, many times. She also says "America, put on your dancing shoes." Then she asks if all the dudes have cocks. It is surreal.
Did I mention it's on Hot Box Records? Or that the censored version on the B-side is called "It's Allrite to Truck All Nite"? To top it all off, there exists a video of her performing the "Truck" version on Dutch TV. And here's the short version of the original.
If anyone comes across a copy of her "Give Your Dick to Me" single, please buy it for me. I will pay you back.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
goin' buckweez - A sweet way to describe someone really going at something with intensity.
Origin - I don't know. Rap music?
Usage - "Oh, dude. I think I'm going to wear my lycra body suit to the club this weekend."
"Dude, you are a bold man."
"Dude, I'm sensing some trepidation in your voice. Do you not feel that I have the physique to pull off my lavender jumper?"
"Dude, I'm just saying that every time I've seen you for the past two weeks, you've been goin' buckweez on a box of fudge-covered Oreos. That is all I'm saying."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs Your Netflix Queue Has Spiraled Out of Control:
10. Michael Ironside emailed you and told you he looks forward to you seeing all 200 of his movies
09. There appear to be some LaserDiscs and Betamax cassettes in there somehow
08. Movies showing up in your mailbox are a constant reminder of that coke-fueled click-fest you had after a heated discussion in which you promised to "see every movie that came out during the 70's"
07. Netflix sent you that awkward email where they tell you, given your statistically determined life expentancy, it's mathmatically impossible for you to watch all the movies you've got lined up
06. Requiem for a Dream is in there - clearly you don't give a fuck
05. When someone starts to tell you about a movie, you go, "Does it have people in it? Because if it does I will watch it"
04. You got fired from your job for spending too much time adding every single one of those National Lampoon college boob-romps
03. You've got movies in there that, at present time, only exist in pitch meetings
02. Your reccomendations page is a jumbled mess of toddler TV shows and hardcore gore-porn
01. You keep searching Netflix for a movie about how to better manage your Netflix queue
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