Gome of the Week
1985 is so annoyed right now.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
My Angel Card Readings - My unicorn name is Solange: The Solitary One.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Midnight Cop (1988)
Never did I imagine that a movie starring these three goofballs could be so brutally boring.
Frank Stallone played it so straight that I was ready to hurl myself into the TV and wring his neck for not chewing the goddamned scenery more. Same with York. Never has the guy been so understated, and never has he been better at making me want to burrow a cave in my couch and hibernate for eight months, just to erase any memory of sitting through this b-level art-house assfest.
Yeah - I said art house. The director tried to mildly Twin-Peaks-ify this thing, and when you're depending on Morgan Fairchild to play the mysterious hooker who may or may not be sleeping with the enemy, you're fucked. I mean, don't get me wrong: Morgan Fairchild in 1988: that's good stuff. But she's not fooling anybody with those acting skills. Her and York shared a scene and I was glad it only lasted a few minutes, because I was starting to feel the universe implode on itself due to all the phoning it in.
And, like any wannabe-abstract crime movie, it's impossible to follow the plot - both because they're intentionally vague about it, and because your ability to take any vested interest in any of the characters is crippled within two minutes of the opening credits wrapping up. And, like any good B movie, the guy who actually stars in the film (Armin Mueller-Stahl) is nowhere to be found on the box. But, thankfully, he's the only one who puts in any effort in the acting dept., so if you're going to have to follow somebody through this nightmare, it might as well be him.
Yes, I'm disappointed. But, I've got about 100 other movies ahead of me (a few of which also feature Frank Stallone) from that yard sale I attended - which is where I got this - that just have to be better than this one. So that's something to look forward to.
Watch the bizarre trailer here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Max Bygraves - Singalongamax: Around the World (1973)
This guy is a lounge singer like no other. Or an entertainer, or something to that effect. I've listened to this entire record and I can't tell if he's serious or not.
This thing is all medlies, and he runs through eight of 'em at four songs each. Dude's a menace.
I bought this because I enjoy the cover, and because of this line on the back: "THE PREVIOUS ALBUMS HAVE EARNED HIM FOUR GOLD DICS."
Max must have kicked his spell-checker when he got these bad boys back from the vinyl press.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
get a mean on - A sweet way to describe the acquisition of a look of utter intensity.
Origin - The opening scene of one of cinema's most underrated gems, Johnny Be Good.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm going to go wait in line for the new Captain America movie. I will see you on opening day."
"Dude, don't you think it's a little early? You might find some opposition to camping in front of the theater for a month and a half."
"Dude, I'm already getting my mean on."
"Dude, do it! Get a mean on."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Reasons You're Sending a Girl a Picture of Your Dong:
10. The first date went extremely well, but you somehow failed to bring up what your dong looks like. Better follow up on that
09. You're not positive, but you're pretty sure she mentioned that she likes to attempt to guess a dude's jockstrap size solely by viewing a grainy cellphone shot of his dong
08. You've got a pretty sweet-looking dong, and you feel that she, of all people, would be interested in verifying its sweetness
07. It's your two-week anniversary, and nothing screams "semi-serious romance" more than an aerial shot of your lobbin' dong
06. You can just tell she's the kind of girl who appreciates the finer things in life - things like champagne, caviar, and unsolicited, hastily-composed snapshots of blood-engorged dongage
05. She's going to ask for your cock ring size sooner or later - better hit her with a quick dong pic for her files
04. It's merely part one of your plan. Step two involves you buying her a classy locket that will house your dong photo and ensure that your dong is always close to her heart
03. Your memories of the previous evening's events are fairly hazy, but you're almost positive that at some point she said, "Dong pic me, bro"
02. You found yourself in a field of golden wheat, enjoying a breathtaking sunset. You'd be crazy not to yank out your dong and capture it against a backdrop like that
01. You've seen how well it's worked out for the rest of society, and you're ready to ride that dong-pic train to Inappropriateville
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