Gome of the Week
Let's not say things we're gonna regret, OK, music journalists?
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Rappers That Suck - At least watch the video of the guy passing out after he hits his joint mid-freestyle. It's gold.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Screwball Academy (1986)
It's always a bad sign when you're having trouble following the plot of a movie with a title like this.
As with a lot of shitty B-movies from this era, it appears that not only could the people involved in it not decide if it was a comedy, romance, or throwaway boob fest, but it also seems that they ran out of money and/or time mid-shoot, and were forced to wrap things up quickly and just edit together what they had and try to make the best of it.
There seemed to be large chunks of the story missing, and plot points (sparse though they were) were developed (that's a strong word), never to be mentioned again. To this film's credit, there are three different stories that take place within the movie, and at the beginning, I was actually curious to see how it was all going to play out. And then shit started jumping around so much that I lost track, and just decided stop trying.
The basic plot goes like this: all those people on the cover are students at Screwball Academy. Just kidding. There is, of course, no such place, and in fact, there is no school or institution of any kind in this movie. There are also arguably no screwballs. Although I guess that's debatable. There is a rogue team of biker-looking dudes who ride around in a dune buggy on the beach, only to drop their pants and run after a group of girls who seem to do nothing but skinny-dip in the ocean. Or lake. Or whatever it is.
And with Colleen Camp bringing her star power to this movie, you would expect so much more. Strangely, explaining the actual plot of this flick would take some serious time, and I just want to put this one behind me. But if you think Czechoslovakians are hilarious just because they talk with an accent and don't understand American culture, then this may be the movie for you. And I can't even find a trailer for this thing. Strike three!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Barry Louis Polisar - Stanley Stole My Shoelace and Rubbed It In His Armpit (1982)
This is yet another LP that I found in the basement of a record store in Philadelphia, and it's currently holding the title of Creepiest Album in My Collection.
I grabbed this without examining it too carefully, thinking it was a comedy record or something. Turns out it's a kids' album, and if the photo of the grown man in a crib with a bandana in his mouth isn't enough to make you feel all icky inside, maybe a few of these song titles will seal the deal: "I Lost My Pants," "I'm Standing Naked on the Kitchen Table (Trying to Get Your Attention)," and "Wet Again." Did that do it? If not, look and listen. Yikes.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
zambronis - A sweet way to describe dudes who like to nerd out on hockey together.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I never thought I would root against Fernando Pisani. This game is that intense."
"Dude, I had a bad feeling this game would end on a sloppy goal for one of us after all that good goaltending. Good luck to your Nucks!"
"Dude, I know how you feel. I had the same thought. I figured Pisani would pot a rebound in 3OT."
"Dude, we sure are super-tight zambronis."
"Dude, we are indeed the sweetest of zambronis."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Plan To Do In Atlanta Next Week:
10. Refer to it as "Hotlanta" to let everyone know I'm diggy down
09. Get reefed out with Big Gipp from Goodie Mob
08. Wipe the sure-to-be profuse sweat off my brow with a dirty hanky, like a true Southern gentleman
07. Hit the Jimmy Carter Presidential Museum hard
06. Take in a Braves game; ask person sitting next to me if Dale Murphy still bats cleanup and if so, how many dingers has he launched this season?
05. Visit the World of Coca-Cola; pick up a keg of Pineapple Crush on the cheap
04. Pitch Ted Turner my idea for a buddy sitcom about me and C-Dog working at NASA while dealing pot
03. Head down to CNN and tell Wolf Blitzer I've got a hot scoop for him: he sucks
02. Head to a sports bar and start referring to Dominique Wilkins as Domi-weak Williams, and ask everyone why I would want to watch the "Human Lowlight Film," while I prepare for my eventual stabbing
01. Slam some sizzurp in the Dirty Dirty. You know how we do
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