05.04.11
Gome of the Week
It was nice to see Trump enjoying himself while Seth Meyers fed him his lunch at the Correspodents' Dinner.
He seems like a fun guy.
With a terrific sense of humor.
He will go far.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
25 Abandoned Yugoslavian Monuments That Look Like They're From the Future - These. Are. Awesome.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Sports Pages Vol. 4: Golf Bloopers (1992)
Hard to say what the real title of this video is. The tape just says "Golf Bloopers," but the cover has that weird Sports Pages header. Of course, the actual film says neither of these things, instead referring to this 28-minute shitstorm as "Golf's Greatest Hits."
As you can tell, I'm currently obsessed with poorly-made sports bloopers tapes from the 80's and 90's, and I'm not sure if this fixation will subside anytime soon. These things are just too terrible.
So, you're probably asking yourself: How many bloopers can there possibly be in professional golf? What the fuck constitutes a golf blooper anyway? What kind of name is "Fuzzy" for a grown man?
Turns out there aren't many actual bloopers in the professional world of golf, though they cheat throughout this thing, copping clips from pro-am tourneys where the golfers like to cut loose by doing wacky things like high-fiving each other. (That is an actual featured clip. Two guys high-fiving. Because golfers do not often do this.)
In one clip, Fuzzy Zoeller uses a driver on a par 3. Get real, Fuzzy! In another, a guy has to put one foot in the water to make his shot. Looks like he's all wet! But when there was a pigeon on the green during one segment, I thought the narrator was going to explode from the sheer number of "birdie" puns that were pouring out of his mouth.
From the back of the box: "This is the most unusual golf bloopers you have ever seen!"
It certainly are.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Tony Webster - The Triumph of Man (1963)
I am so confused by this record. The second side of it seems to have the correct tracks on it, but the first side, from what I can tell, is Side A of Vaughn Meader's Have Some Nuts LP.
What the hell. Either way, this is on the Verve label, which is where the Mothers of Invention started their career, which is even stranger considering that this is the kind of weird-ass stuff the company was releasing at the time.
And not very accurately, apparenlty. I'm pissed. I really wanted to hear "Sex Manuals."
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
This ain't The Ritz - A sweet way to make it clear that your current surroundings are not fancy.
Usage - "Oh, dude. If you don't mind, I'm not going to wear any pants while I'm jumping rope in the kitchen."
"Dude, it would be pretty sweet if you could go ahead and rock some pants."
"Dude, this ain't The Ritz."
"Dude, point taken. Flop on."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Did in Los Angeles Last Week:
10. Took a tour of abandoned oxygen bars
09. Updated my headshots with a more playful theme
08. Splurged on a mid-priced post-op tranny hooker
07. Went bowling at a place with a strict dress code
06. Rode with a cabbie who smelled like pickled kale
05. Found out that the world is scheduled to end on the 21st of May. Thanks, guy on the corner with the megaphone!
04. Bought myself an Oscar replica, had it personalized with "Sweetest Bro 2011"
03. Spent all my money on records, had to make a sleeve of generic fig newtons last two days
02. Said "Only in L.A., huh?" to everyone I met about everything I saw
01. Had all my dreams of becoming an infomercial crowd member shattered
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