Gome of the Week
Best April Fools' Joke ever.
Mostly because I got seriously excited for a split-second when I saw this. And I'm secretly pissed that it's not real.
But that didn't stop a bunch of content-hungry horror movie sites from believing it was.
Well, played, Criterion.
The "official" page is down, but this one sums up what was on it. The Special Features look very comprehensive.
In related news, someone posted the Sticks Downey track "C.H.U.D." to YouTube. If you like your Sticks with a side of Daniel Stern's mug, here you go.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Steve's Palace - A little understated, Steve, but I think your subtle touch is really what makes it.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Basic Training (1985)
If there was a record for quickest boob shot following the opening credits, this movie would have it on lock. Times two, actually. After some serious panning of exterior shots of the Pentagon, we get taken inside, where there are walls of medals and commendations, crisp American flags, and a military commander with two naked chicks on his desk.
You conspiracy theorists were right: It turns out the highest levels of U.S. military operations are run by a group of horndogs who sexually harass their buxom secretaries into shirtlessness. Or at least that's how it was in 1985. Things may have changed. But hey, I hope not! Am I right?
This film stars a young, brunette (and suspiciously less, um, curvy) Rhonda Shear as a mini-skirted and hair-poofed Pentagon secretary who seems to enjoy her work. So much so that she brings it home with her, if you know what I mean! (I mean she bangs her boss in her apartment on the regs.) She's visited by an old friend who's looking for Pentagon work. Her foxy friend gets a job, but soon finds herself fired after not putting out to her boss.
In one of the most misplaced attempts at feminism in cinematic history, Melinda (Ann "I Left My Career in the 80's" Dusenberry) decides to take matters into her own hands, using her slammin' body as a means to upend this male-run government and actually get things done! Pretty soon she's got a whole staff of hot chicks working for her, and calls are being made, envelopes are being stuffed, and foreign relations are stronger than ever. And all she's had to do is dress provacatively and act like she's going to blow a bunch of dudes.
In the climactic final scene, she manages to secure the locations of Russian missle sites by taking her pants off for a visiting diplomat. Girl power!
This is exactly the kind of film (in highly edited format) that Shear would go on to introduce on USA Network's Up All Night some five years later. She had her niche, I'll give her that. Oh, to be 14 with basic cable again...
Watch a pivotal scene here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Gail and Ezra - Jesus Loves All Little Children (1976)
You know who's perfect for introducing your kids to Jesus? A wide-eyed, shrill-voiced wooden puppet who looks like he'll kill you while you sleep.
Enter Gail and her little pal Ezra. The two met "in a shop at Disneyland" (getting creepier...), and they're here to tell you that no matter how jacked-up you are, Jesus is down to hang with you. Because if he can love this frightening - and sometimes Native American - dummy, he can love anyone.
And they're still at it. Oh, the staying power of Jesus-based puppetry.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
spaceplans - Very serious - and possibly secretive - plans.
Origin - One of the funniest sketches in comedy history.
Usage - "Oh, dude. This is going to be a great weekend. I am going to accomplish so many things."
"Dude, that sounds very interesting. What is on the agenda?"
"Dude, I can't disclose that information. But know this: I've got plans. Spaceplans."
"Dude, I am intrigued. Best of luck in your spaceplannery."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Have Elephantitis of the Nuts:
10. Friends won't stop asking why you've had a yoga ball in your pants for the last eight months
09. Boxing dwarves keep trying to hire you for speedbag training
08. Your browser history of repeated searches for "sack reducer" speaks volumes
07. Neighborhood kids have all taken turns spray-painting their names on your yam bag
06. Local wrestling outfit offered you a gig as The Human Uvula
05. You wore loose-fitting shorts to the bowling alley and almost lost a testicle to the grabby ball return mechanism
04. You've hired a dude with a scythe to trim up your scrotal pubes
03. Friends' nutsacks seem to be orbiting around yours
02. Had to fashion your own jockstrap out of industrial-grade elastic and an old hammock
01. You got stopped by grocery store security and were asked to "fork over the pomelos."
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