02.06.11

Gome of the Week
Nice try guys, but I'm pretty sure I already saw this on the wall in Tracy Jordan's dressing room on 30 Rock.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Steampunk CD Player - I don't think I really understand Steampunk, nor do I want to, but it's cool how they put this thing together.

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Straight Talk (1992)

Yes, another not-so-obscure entry, but it's good to do those every once in a while. Reminds me that major motion pictures, funded by huge studios, are capable of being every bit as crappy as the low-budget flicks I watch week in and week out. Plus, I bought this for my wife months ago and it's just been sitting on the shelf. Yes, you guessed it: she's a huge Charles Fleischer fan.

I've seen cookie-cutter rom-coms before, but I could have told you the entire plot to this movie six minutes into it. So, wondering what was going to happen story-wise was never an issue. Neither was Parton's comedic timing, because she doesn't have any. I was hoping for a scene of James Woods actually going to the bank and cashing his paycheck, and though I'm pretty sure I saw him taking off to do it in the background of one of the many scenes where Dolly was dispensing some of her homespun sassy advice, I can't be sure.

I'm not going to explain the plot, because if you can't figure it out from that cover and that tagline, then you're hopeless. But I will tell you that Michael Madsen plays Dolly's deadbeat husband, and Spalding Gray plays a Harvard-educated shrink who's a real dick. To increase the randomness, Paul Dinello and Jeff Garlin show up in bit roles, and though Jane Lynch and Ron Livingston's names rolled during the credits, I spotted neither of them in the movie. What an ensemble!

The best part of the movie were the montage scenes, of which there were at least three, and each one was backed by a Dolly Parton original that was written exclusively for the film. The songs were so specific that you could almost follow her character's moves along with the lyrics. It reminded me of that scene in BASEketball when Coop is driving around in his car.

And yes, there were a couple hilarious big boob jokes.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Henry "Buzz" Glass - Dances Without Partners (1972)

With a name that cool, you would think this guy would be anything but a public school dance instructor, but when you're leading dance numbers like "Cool Butter,' "Pass the Sugar," and "Football," you're clearly in a league of your own.

"The words describe a piece of butter as it comes cool from the refrigerator. In the action, the butter is cool, warm, hot, and melting. After the butter melts, each person spreads on the floor, taking and holding a pose like a statue."

He then proceeds to say "cool butter, cool butter cool" and "warm butter, warm butter warm" for like a half hour, and then gives explicit instructions on the proper way to melt. The 70's was a wonderful time to be alive.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
VG, EX, M, etc. - A sweet way to describe your life using record grading terms.

Origin - Sellers on eBay who want you to think they know what they're talking about.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I went out with a lovely lady last night."

"Dude, would you classify the evening as NM?"

"Well dude, it started out M, obviously, then quickly deteriorated to EX+, and by the end of the night things were in the VG realm."

"Dude, that's still better than G, or god forbid, P."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs The Homeopathics Aren't Working:

10. The turnip root is crammed firmly up your ass, but the blood is still flowing freely from your jugular
09. Polio: 1, high-acidophilus yogurt bath: 0
08. Not only did the lavender extract not cure your itchy scalp, it also gave you scarlet fever
07. The aloe concentrate is cool and refreshing, but it's not doing much to alleviate the searing heat eminating from your massively fractured spine
06. You didn't think rubbing a serrano pepper inside your eyelids sounded like a cure for anything, and boy, it sure wasn't. Unless you were trying to cure "seeing"
05. You've had cholera for six years, and now it comes with a side of cuprum metallicum poisoning
04. People keep asking you why you smell like the inside of a garlic clove's butthole
03. You're starting to suspect that your "doctor" is really only interested in harvesting your pregnant wife's placenta
02. Your hacking cough now includes chunks of tree bark
01. This Woody Nightshade concoction seems to have only angered your rubella

 

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